It's Been 5 Years

This time I was not cleaning, but I very quickly discovered I should have been. Memories can get dusty - both figuratively and literally. You've got to make sure to periodically take a walk through them, revisit them, and  dust them off (figuratively and literally). While searching for something totally different, I came across the eulogy Walker McWilliams shared at Lizzie's memorial service. I like it. I think it perfectly describes Lizzie and I find it uplifting and comforting especially on this day. So, I thought I'd share. (I hope Walker doesn't mind.....)

"It seems ironic that today we gather with one another in the sacred place to celebrate loss- to sit beside each other in solidarity while we grieve the loss of a daughter. The loss of a sister, a granddaughter, of a niece, a friend, a classmate, a church member... a community icon. But it's precisely because we have lost that we gather. Because we miss the people who have touched us so deeply, the people who have inspired us, who have challenged us...who have loved us so well. The reality is that each one of us here is experiencing painful loss because Lizzie shared life with us. In some way or another, Lizzie impacted our lives. Her story has become our story because within it we find the building blocks of life. Faith. Friendship. Hop. Joy. and Love.

The apostle Paul asks "Death, oh, Death, where is your sting?" And for us, it's all too easy to answer. The sting is felt by those of us left on this side of death. Those of us now forced to daily miss our dear Lizzie.

I want to say to Paul:

That death's sting is felt in no longer being told to stop snoring.

In not having any more chances to lay in bed while watching tv or have sister sleepovers.

The sting in no more requests for Granddaddy's hot chocolate or to be tucked into bed and kissed goodnight.

In knowing she will no longer come over to my house to watch Dance Moms.

It's the noticeable absence of a close-knit group of friends hanging out at a breakfast table.

Or in the lack of truth-filled blog posts that so honestly flowed from her heart.

It's in remembering the sense of accomplishment as she surfed in Hawaii.

It's in no more dance parties or inside jokes.

Death's sting is in knowing that Lizzie did have the time of her life, but that we no longer share in that life.

Today and every day we know all too well the sting of death. And while each of us experiences it in our own individual ways, because Lizzie touched each of us uniquely, something in us knows we should be together. That is is good for s to be together. We confess to each other that death does in fact hurt, yet we daringly proclaim that there is much to be celebrated.

So we celebrate. Because Lizzie Lived.

She lived in every sense of the word. Whether dancing on Panther Pride, soaking up every aspect of what it meant to be a student at UT, or simply watching re-runs of Harry Potter, she lived in such a way that invited fellowship through a contagious joy. The cancer that so aggressively zapped her energy and ravaged her body was never, never able to take away who she was. Yes, there were bad days, terrible days. Days when she was tired or bored. Days when she despised being hooked up to IVs or loathed the constant beeping of machines, but in spite of all of that she was asked to endure, those of us in this room saw a girl that Still. Loved. Life. The important truth is that cancer did not and never will define Lizzie Wallace. Yes, cancer gave her recognition in our community and beyond. It shined a spotlight on her. It broadened her audience, but cancer did not define her story...it only highlighted who she was and always had been.

Her family and friends have already shared stories about who Lizzie was to them - stories likely similar to yours and mine. Stories that probably involve food, because Lizzie was always hungry.

Alex often heard Lizzie say, "No, I don't want anything to eat" but minutes later when Alex's mac and cheese was ready, Lizzie would ask, "Can I have a bite?" Sure. "Can I have the rest?" Or the time Lizzie had buttered toast but chose not to eat it, and instead used it to solve a sisterly conflict as she slapped that buttery bread across Alex's face.

Or I'm sure you have a funny (and probably adventurous) memory like the hot day Stephanie picked the girls up from daycare, and Lizzie decided not to ask her aunt to turn on the air, instead just opened the care door to catch a breeze as they drove down the highway.

During my first summer here, I planned a senior capture in which I burst into the seniors' bedrooms around 6 am, woke them up, threw them in a van and took them to a homemade breakfast at the Denman's. Upon entering Lizzie's room she rejected me, turned me down for more sleep. I did everything I could to convince Lizzie to come get in the an with me (and now that I think about how creepy that sounds, maybe I know why she didn't want to come.) But, no, she wanted to sleep. In a stroke of brilliance, or maybe just desperation, I said "There will be bacon." She opened her eyes, looked at me seriously, and said, "Bacon?" And off we went to breakfast.

As we sat visiting at the Joseph House, Lizzie looked at Katelyn and said, "Hey, were you planning on making that pasta I love so much tonight?" Katelyn cocked her head and smiled, "No...Do you want me to buy ingredients and make it tonight?" A sly smile formed as she responded "Uh, huh." So off we headed to the store.

She was never scared to ask. In fact, she wasn't scared of much. Life was not a routine to her but every day was the chance to laugh a little more, create a little more, eat a little more, love a little more. She wasn't afraid to show excitement or vulnerability. She didn't shy away from pain or challenges, but she leaned into all of these emotions, realizing that all of these are part of life, and that's what she wanted - Life. And most significantly to Lizzie, she was never scared of people. She reached out and embraced everyone - friends or strangers - but mostly strangers who would soon turn into friends.

Like the first time my wife met Lizzie at a youth lock-in. Where Katelyn, having just moved to Lufkin, not really knowing anyone or feeling comfortable enough to force herself into conversations resigned herself to sit alone and take it all in. When before long this little girl walked up to her, sat down beside her and said - "Hi, I'm Lizzie." 2 weeks later she found out that she had cancer. 

The truth is that Lizzie has always been...Lizzie. She has lived life with the same purpose from the very beginning  to the all to early end, and she did so with love.

Ou hearts should not be troubled because Lizzie's heart was not troubled. When she first called to tell me it was cancer, I asked her how she felt. She responded, "I'm alright. If I live, I live. And if I die, I get to meet Jesus. It's a win-win." Lizzie's identity was found fully and completely in her faith in Jesus Christ. She took seriously Paul's words that "no one should seek their own good but the good of others." 

As God comes to us in the midst of our anguish, Lizzie went to others in the midst of theirs. Lizzie lived out her faith, and her faith was unrelenting.

Because of her belief, Jesus, true to his word came back and claimed one of his followers. And now Lizzie is in the place prepared especially for her...a place where there are no more tears, no more sorrow or pain, no more hospitals, no more cancer and no more death. A place where the faith that carried her all through this life has now given her eternal life. A place where her faith now sees. A place where, while we are crying, she is walking and talking...dancing and probably eating... with the One she calls her Savior.

So we can ask again, like Paul..."Death, where is your sting?" because we know that death has in fact been swallowed up in victory. We can ask it again because we have a hunch that we're not in this alone. We can ask again because today we celebrate the life of Lizzie, who loved us well and challenged us deeply. That's the legacy of Lizzie Wallace. That's what touched our lives, and that's what we will carry with us today and every day forward.

So we are here to say collectively - We love you Lizzie. Thank you for that big ol' footprint you've left on our lives."

A Message from Lizzie

A message from Lizzie

Dear Mom,
     I remember my first dance. You were so happy. You did your best to get me all prettied up. I was so nervous and you calmed me down. In that moment I was happy, but I dreaded the second I would have to leave you.
     Now here I am, a preteen who still goes to my mom when I am sad, or when I need help, or when I just need someone to tell me that I'm gorgeous or clever - you always make me feel loved and I thank you for that. Even though you spend your days educating kids that make you lose your mind, you still muster sympathy when I say, "Mom, I got an A on that test!" or "Mom, my stomach hurts."
     You always told me that my existence is reason for yours, but really, Mom, it works both ways. I can't live without you. I can't wait for the day I can hand you the keys to a beach house and tell you I love you - that you don't have to work anymore, that everything is ok.
     When I went to that dance last year, you were on my mind the whole time and I couldn't thank you enough. I loved you so much I couldn't explain in words.
     My message remains the same!
     Happy Valentine's Day!
     Lizzie

I remember that dance. Her date was Kyle Reed - a wonderful young man (then and now) who would become her very best friend on God's Green Earth.(He'll tell you the same.) I was as excited as her if not more. For all parents, guardians, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and godparents out there, you know what I mean. Your little girl is going to her first dance, and you want it to be magical.  I'm not sure if it's the same for men, but, for women, we have visions of a fairy tale swirling around in our heads. For some, it may be memories of your very own first dance or desires of how you wished your first dance might have been. You want this first experience to be so wonderful that one day the memory will filter to her own daughter. And the fact that this encounter developed into such a special and precious friendship makes the memory that much sweeter.

So why am I sharing? Because Lizzie is still making her presence known.
I found this note in the most unusual way - cleaning (well, unusual for me) and in the strangest place - among recipes (I'm not known for cooking.)  From the first of December to the end of January is a really tough time for me. I cry a lot . I stress. And I walk around like a glass half full.  Almost five years later and the pain cuts as deep. I was feeling really low when, tucked between printed. folded, and dare I say, untouched recipes of artichoke dip, creamed brussel sprouts, and tuna casserole, a pink sheet of paper peeked.  I  believe that Lizzie chose that moment to remind me that not all memories are sad and to stop dwelling on them. She was telling me to stop wrapping myself in misery  Instead, I should focus on those special memories, relive them, and share. 

By the way, I don't need a recipe for artichoke dip. I've got that one down to a science.

Prayer 101

I’ve been praying a lot lately, well, for me what I would quantify as a lot. I haven’t been the best prayer warrior over the past few years. I try to make sure that when someone asks for or needs prayer that I stop right then and pray: prayers for my sick father, a friend’s child who may be floundering, words of encouragement that are needed. I’ve sort of avoided those prayers for myself for fear God will actually put me in a situation for which I’m praying. Let me clarify: I don’t pray for patience or absence of anger. I just don’t think I’m strong enough. Lately, though, I have been praying for humility and have actually, in my heart, resolved myself to the situations that may come in which jealousy or envy can creep in. I don’t like the person I am when jealousy rears its ugly head. I think that the hardest part of prayer is realizing that God will place you in positions to test and build that for which you pray. As I’m writing this, I realize that to avoid praying for that which will be a struggle is to actually tell God that I don’t believe He is strong enough. Wow. I have got to learn to let go.  

This is where I can confuse myself…..do I want to be a better person so that I will be happy? Or is it because others need me to be a better person for them?  Am I really praying with the thought of others or, well, am I really praying that others see me as a good person and therefore my prayer is self-serving? I want to make a difference, but is it because I truly want to make a difference, or is it so that others will see me as making a difference?   See? Confused you, didn’t I? I know that I am definitely not writing this so that everyone will think I am some deep, philosophical believer. The past three years have been marked with a lot of lows and not too many highs in the belief department.  I have failed in my beliefs way more times that I have succeeded. I guess what I need to do is pray for the spirit in which prayer is intended. 

Zambia Ministry update

 

 

 

 

The first pictures is of the supplies that the students and staff at Coston Elementary collected in four days. The second is a video Shelby posted of the community in Zambia that she is helping.

 

 

 

 

 

Ode to Mrs. Brookshire

It is time - time to clean up Lizzie's room. I started on Friday, and it really doesn't look like I've made much headway. I've gone through every drawer at least twice deciding what to keep and what to donate. I have 3 boxes of memorabilia: items that I remembered, items I had forgotten, and items that I never knew about. I found tons of cards which I will share at some point, and I now have a total of 46 t-shirts that will be made into a quilt. There are t-shirts from Panther Pride and t-shirts from UT. Some shirts were just favorite ones that Lizzie loved to wear. One is a signed team jersey from that really cute soccer player that visited Lizzie in the hospital. Of course there is a Just Beat It and a Be the Change team Lizzie shirt. And there are two Girls of Grace shirts which makes, well, either the following more special or the shirts more special. I found a flashdrive on my third pass through a small desk, and, of course, had to take a peek. Several people have commented on the impact Lizzie made on their lives. The following shows the impact Laura Brookshire made on Lizzie's life. Thank you, Laura, for being such an inspiration and helping mold Lizzie into the wonderful young woman that she was.

Ode to Mrs. Brookshire 

              I remember that as I child I admired every actress on the Disney Channel.  To a twelve-year-old girl, it seemed as if Hilary Duff, Raven Symone, and Christy Romano had everything a girl dreamed of at that age: fame, fortune, beauty, and boys. I worshipped every one of those girls almost to the point of obsession. In fact, while I was in third grade, an unsuspecting teacher asked me if I were Lizzie McGuire because I knew every fact possible about the popular television show.  As I lost my naiveté, I also lost my innocent childhood idols.  I no longer admired the child stars of Disney; I almost felt lost until I met Mrs. Brookshire.

            After moving to Lufkin, I was amazed to see the irony of my new hometown.  Lufkin, a small town with churches on every corner, located in the center of the Bible Belt, boasts the highest teen pregnancy rate in Texas. More and more girls arrived to school with noticeable baby bumps, and even though I knew it was impossible, I began to doubt that pregnancy was not contagious. While everyone laughed off the comments joking that pregnancy was in the water, I stopped drinking from the tap. As an impressionable young girl in a new town, I began to question if my morals were keeping me from fitting in.  My longing to be part of the “in crowd” caused conflicts between my head and my heart, and I was constantly questioning whether my principles were worth preserving.  Mrs. Brookshire answered my question when she became my Girls of Grace teacher, an organization whose goal is to inspire girls to see themselves through God’s eyes.

            Mrs. Brookshire sees the best in me; she sees the best in her girls.  Teaching a class of teenage girls to be confident in ourselves and not to give in to the poor morals of our generation is not an easy task, but she accepts the challenge each year.  She constantly uplifts me by reminding me of all of the small achievements I have made: not succumbing to the pressures of my generation, standing up for those who cannot, and leaving my group of friends to befriend a lonely peer. Her confidence in me helped me to have confidence in myself.

            High school has been a big struggle for me.  Being surrounded by people with negative attitudes, which unlike pregnancy is actually contagious, has a habit of affecting my  everyday choices. Knowing that there is Mrs. Brookshire, who supports me and loves me no matter how many mistakes I make, has made my high school career so much easier.  Her never-ending positive encouragements have made me happier with myself and my abilities, ultimately making me feel more in control of my life.

Live Like Lizzie

I have come full circle. Shelby's testimony was like God tapping me on the shoulder and saying "This is why, Dianne. Right here. This is why".  So where do I go from here? My first step is to support Shelby and the mission work she is doing. Lizzie always wanted to go do mission work. It was her dream and goal. I honestly believe that Shelby is fulfilling that dream. So...... I am calling on all who can to help Shelby. She is currently in Zambia and is working at a school that has 500 students and only about 6 teachers. They need supplies: books (k-5th grade), paper, pencils, etc. If you would like to contribute anything - a pack of paper, pencils, erasers, books, crayons, pencil sharpeners - anything, please let me know or simply mail to me at my address below. I will get all to Shelby's mom. Or if you would simply like to donate to help with the shipping costs, let me know. The Team Lizzie account is still active at Bancorp South in Lufkin. I will know whatever is deposited from this date forward is for shipping costs or supplies for the kids. You can also write Zambia Kids shipping or Zambia Kids supplies in the memo line. The following is Shelby's FB post:

This week, I've realized just how vital a good education is to breaking the cycle of poverty. I am working in a 1st and 2nd grade classroom with one teacher and over 80 students. The students are unable to receive the specialized attention they need for their age and the resources for them to excel are unavailable. In this week, I have realized even more how passionate I am about education and I know without a doubt that I am called to be a teacher to students in impoverished... communities.
With this said, I have met a 9 year old girl named Jennifer this week. Jennifer is in my class and has asked me to teach her to read and write. Last semester, I took a class on early literacy development and I am excited to put what I learned into practice. I am needing to buy some supplies such as books, paper, and writing utensils for her and I would appreciate if you would pray that this would be financially achievable for me. I would also appreciate if you would pray that teaching her would be a smooth process for both of us. I am kind of nervous about actually putting into practice what I have learned as a teacher, but I know that I have been called to this task and the Lord will equip me.
I'm really excited for this opportunity and for what the Lord is revealing to me about my future and the gifts that He has given me! I cannot wait to update you all on Jennifer and the progress she is making. I need all the prayer I can get!

This feeling is so odd. I feel like I have just had 6 espresso shots along with a RedBull. I am on fire to help this school. I feel like Lizzie has a hand in this somehow. I'm also scared. I've never tried to spear-head anything like this. Pray that I ask in the right way. Pray that my passion reaches people who can and will help. Pray that someone who is knowledgeable about charity and donations contacts me and offers help or guidance.

My address is:
2202 Holly St
Lufkin, TX 75901

Be the Change: a Testimony from Shelby Havard

(Reprinted with permission from Shelby)

My name is Shelby Havard,  and I was a friend of Lizzie's in middle and high school. I just wanted you to know how much your daughter impacted my life. The semester before her death, I was diagnosed with depression and spent a lot of my time drinking and smoking. I was throwing my life away, and God really used Lizzie to open my eyes. Lizzie exuded joy. She made an effort to live life to the fullest, and she trusted God through it all. Soon after Lizzie died, I decided to turn my life around and I applied for a 9 month mission trip to Guatemala, Thailand, and Zambia. I'm currently in Thailand right now, and I am so thankful for how far God has brought me since this time last year. I just wanted you to know how much of an impact your daughter made on the people around her. She inspired me to make the most of my life and to follow God, and now I am able to love and serve people all because she allowed God to use her. Your daughter was an incredible young woman and she was very, very loved.
Attached is a picture of me hugging a monkey in Thailand on my mission trip! She inspired me to come here, and it's on her bucket list, so this one is for her.