I’ve been praying a lot lately, well, for me what I would quantify as a lot. I haven’t been the best prayer warrior over the past few years. I try to make sure that when someone asks for or needs prayer that I stop right then and pray: prayers for my sick father, a friend’s child who may be floundering, words of encouragement that are needed. I’ve sort of avoided those prayers for myself for fear God will actually put me in a situation for which I’m praying. Let me clarify: I don’t pray for patience or absence of anger. I just don’t think I’m strong enough. Lately, though, I have been praying for humility and have actually, in my heart, resolved myself to the situations that may come in which jealousy or envy can creep in. I don’t like the person I am when jealousy rears its ugly head. I think that the hardest part of prayer is realizing that God will place you in positions to test and build that for which you pray. As I’m writing this, I realize that to avoid praying for that which will be a struggle is to actually tell God that I don’t believe He is strong enough. Wow. I have got to learn to let go.
This is where I can confuse myself…..do I want to be a better person so that I will be happy? Or is it because others need me to be a better person for them? Am I really praying with the thought of others or, well, am I really praying that others see me as a good person and therefore my prayer is self-serving? I want to make a difference, but is it because I truly want to make a difference, or is it so that others will see me as making a difference? See? Confused you, didn’t I? I know that I am definitely not writing this so that everyone will think I am some deep, philosophical believer. The past three years have been marked with a lot of lows and not too many highs in the belief department. I have failed in my beliefs way more times that I have succeeded. I guess what I need to do is pray for the spirit in which prayer is intended.