Tuesday, April 30, 2013

True Facts About Cancer

2. You'll poop on yourself at least once (or twice) and be able to laugh about it forever
3. I'm beeping is a completely logical sentence
4. Not everyone will get your sense of humor and your jokes end up being like dead baby jokes    where no one finds them funny except you
5. You'll make a TON of temporary friendships because you only see these friends if you're getting chemo at the same time or they die
6. Relationships are hard. Even friendships. It's like this big elephant in the room that no one really wants to talk about. Or it's the opposite and that's all you talk about.
7. You will at one point be a hassle to nurses, but that's what they're paid for. One time when I was sleeping the needle that my chemo was being injected through got loose and stabbed me in the chest (like literally inside my chest because the needle was still in my port) but I refused to cooperate because I just wanted to sleep
8. Using the restroom is a huge issue and comes down to asking yourself if you really really have to go because if not, then it's not worth it. I can't tell you how frustrated I would get with the effort that it took to get to the restroom in my room just because of all the chemo I had to drag with me
9. You want hugs all the time while still wanting to be alone
10. You'll be asked a bazillion times if there's a possibility you could be pregnant
11. You'll also be asked a bazillion times if you smoke
12. You're going to lose some independence
13. Some of your favorite memories come out of this
14. Whenever your port is  deaccessed? you feel super free almost like you just got your license or just turned 18
15. Chemo sucks a ton, like a ton a ton. But if you're like me you really don't remember  how it felt or what happened during chemo weeks
16. It'll make you hate Houston (or whatever town your hospital is in)
17. Basically your whole family has cancer once you're diagnosed
18. Some days you feel like crying and that's ok
19. Some of your thoughts are really morbid
20. Emesis bags become your best friends. I'm pretty sure I collected those things like beanie babies
22. Saline solution is your second best friend because mouth ulcers hurt alot
23. You have a favorite chemo food (mine are bean and cheese tacos) because they're easy on the stomach and don't hurt coming back up (nasty, I know, but this is my life)
24. Personally, I would rather die of pneumonia than take the huge horse pills that were prescribed. And you might revert to a five year old and hide from your mom when it's time to take those pills. But she'll eventually find you. SHE ALWAYS DOES.
25. Sunburns are ten times worse and 100 times easier to get when on chemo. And no amount of sunscreen can save you from the lectures from your doctors.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Shout out to my peeps

Let me tell you how proud I am of my friends. They're awesome. Really. Pure awesomeness.

This weekend I got pretty sick. I went to a Lumineers concert on Friday and basically puked the whole car ride there. I was unaware that I could puke that much on an empty stomach, it was a good forty minutes of nonstop sickness. But everyone else in the car was a champ. I don't think anyone was more disgusted than me.

Saturday I felt pretty good but I think I pushed myself too hard. We walked for hours and that was just too much for me. I laid in bed and started to feel really nauseous and considered (but decided against it) just falling asleep in the restroom so I wouldn't puke in my bed.   My short nap turned into the whole night and then the next day I felt like death. It was horrible. But once again my friends were champs.

Sunday I didn't want to move at all. My own movement made me motion sick. I just wanted to lay down forever and never eat again. I was up maybe four hours yesterday and they were definitely not consecutive. I was supposed to go see NEEDTOBREATHE, but I knew there was no way I was going to be able to handle it so I gave my ticket away. Just standing for five minutes took all my energy so I knew that a concert was not a good idea. My friends kept checking to make sure I was ok and I really had to convince some of them that I would be fine. It was like every five minutes I got a text that said if you need anything tell me because I can get it for you. It won't be a problem. I thought I would never be able to get them to leave me alone so I could sleep it off.

Today I felt alright but I ended up having to have an emergency doctor visit. It's just getting really hard for me to breathe which takes away all of my energy to do anything else. My friend, David, drove me to the hospital and sat with me for the whole three hours while my doctor and I talked about options. I had to get a chest scan and basically my whole right lung is filled with fluid (THANK GOD HE GAVE US TWO), so tomorrow I'm having a short procedure done to  drain all the excess liquid building up in my lung.

 But I love my friends. I really do. They're the best family I could ask for. I have no idea what I would do without them. I'm so thankful that I can rely on people to take care of me when I don't feel like taking care of myself.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Let's NOT read for class

So yesterday I picked up the book The Fault in Our Stars and basically devoured every page. I finished it earlier today and it was amazing. John Green was thinking of me when he wrote this book, not really, but the similarities between my life and the main character's life are astounding, besides the whole boy part. But if you honestly want to know what a teenager with cancer is thinking, read this book. I cannot say that enough. John Green is able to capture so many of my feelings and thoughts in this novel that it's crazy. Feelings that I would probably never share with anyone besides my sisters or mom, because let's face it, if you ask me how I'm doing, I'm going to lie to you. No one really wants to hear how crappy someone's life may be, and I honestly don't like telling people how cruddy I feel sometimes. So if you want to know my thoughts that I would never actually tell you, read this book. Even if you don't want to know my thoughts, read this book. It pretty much captures the life of a teenager living with cancer. Their thoughts. Their feelings. The reasoning behind their actions.

This book also opened my eyes. Like alot. It's like my eyelids are taped to my forehead  my eyes are so open. I'm not going to give away the ending, but it's about a teenage girl in the last stages of cancer, so you do the math. I think I just had really romanticized ideas about  dying and this burst them wide open. I thought I would feel as cruddy as I do on a bad day now and just not wake up, but it doesn't really happen like that. The amount of independence I'll have will be minimal to none and that kind of makes me angry. I feel like I'm digressing. When I can finally become an adult, cancer is  just like nope, I'm going to make it to where you have to depend on people for the simplest things. Anyways, I'm not looking forward to that. At all. I guess I'm scared and angry about the day that finally comes, when I'm more dependent than independent and feel yucky more days than not.

But for now, it's been a good week. I feel so much better than I did  last week. I'm independent and feeling well now so I'm going to enjoy it while I can. And with that, I bid you adieu because I really do have to read for class.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Around Here Lately

So this past week I did not feel well. At all. Like all I wanted to do was lay in bed. I felt like curling up and dying. I think it's safe to say this past week was not pleasant. My symptoms are right back where they were when I was diagnosed, if not worse. Because of the fluid in my lungs, I cough whenever I really laugh or when I'm laying down. And not like a baby cough. It's like a whole body cough that leaves me whimpering at the end. I'm also out of breath and energy. I feel like a morbidly  obese woman walking around campus because it takes that much effort for me to just get around. And if I don't take nausea medicine in the morning I'll puke. I'd rather just sleep all day and have lost my will to do well in school. I'm kind of whatevs on life right now.

I went to the doctor today and he prescribed some medicine that's supposed to help with my lung. It's supposed to get rid of the excess liquid, so I'm going to be peeing like a pregnant woman soon. Also, I'm going to start chemo again. This won't be like the last time though. It's not going to cure me, but it should help with my symptoms. I'll just go in two days a week and get it through my veins so I don't have to get a port put in. It shouldn't make my hair fall out and the side effects should be minimal compared to the last time. He also said I should talk to some team. I don't remember the name of it, but it's basically an end of life team. They're supposed to treat my symptoms and keep me out of the hospital.

I don't know if it's hit me yet that I'm dying or if it has and I just know where I'm going so I'm not really concerned.