I’ve been praying a lot lately, well, for me what I
would quantify as a lot. I haven’t been the best prayer warrior over the past
few years. I try to make sure that when someone asks for or needs prayer that I
stop right then and pray: prayers for my sick father, a friend’s child who may
be floundering, words of encouragement that are needed. I’ve sort of avoided
those prayers for myself for fear God will actually put me in a situation for
which I’m praying. Let me clarify: I don’t pray for patience or absence of
anger. I just don’t think I’m strong enough. Lately, though, I have been
praying for humility and have actually, in my heart, resolved myself to the
situations that may come in which jealousy or envy can creep in. I don’t like
the person I am when jealousy rears its ugly head. I think that the hardest
part of prayer is realizing that God will place you in positions to test and
build that for which you pray. As I’m writing this, I realize that to avoid
praying for that which will be a struggle is to actually tell God that I don’t
believe He is strong enough. Wow. I have got to learn to let go.
This is where I can confuse myself…..do I want to be a
better person so that I will be
happy? Or is it because others need me to be a better person for them? Am I really praying with the thought of
others or, well, am I really praying that others see me as a good person and
therefore my prayer is self-serving? I want to make a difference, but is it because
I truly want to make a difference, or is it so that others will see me as
making a difference? See? Confused you, didn’t I? I know that I am definitely
not writing this so that everyone will think I am some deep, philosophical believer.
The past three years have been marked with a lot of lows and not too many highs
in the belief department. I have failed
in my beliefs way more times that I have succeeded. I guess what I need to do
is pray for the spirit in which prayer is intended.
