Friday, August 31, 2012

This is me. The new me. The better me.

So I was feeling a little reminiscent today and started looking through some old pictures. Not to sound narcissistic, but I truly didn't realize how beautiful I was. I mean, I was a stunner. And I'm not going to lie, I miss looking like that, especially here (University of Texas). Everywhere you turn there's a beautiful girl.....and a really cute guy staring at that girl.I seriously can't turn my head without seeing some girl being flirted up. I found that there were no guys staring at me (except for the one who asked what happened to my hair and then walked off) or trying to get my digits. It is so easy for me to wish that I looked like I used to, but the thing is that I don't. No matter how many times I go to bed, I'm going to wake up a different person than the girl in the previous pictures. Not only have I changed physically, I've also changed mentally and spiritually. 

 I'm a different person and I'm a completely different kind of beauty. 

 Even though I miss my old looks, I love the way I am now more than I ever loved myself back then. I used to paint my face with makeup so that I could be "pretty", but now you'll rarely find me wearing more than mascara and blush. I love my life so much more now and I am so much closer to God. I'm so much more light hearted than I was before. Also, I'm more wise. I'm and old soul. I realize the importance of things that most people my age don't, so I don't sweat the small stuff. And I don't dabble in petty things. 
This is starting to sound like a profile for eHarmony.... what I'm trying to say is that although I struggle with my self image sometimes, I'm beautiful. I have a great personality and if guys don't realize that, then it's their loss. 
So here I am, the new me. The beautiful me. The bald me. The fun me. The wise me. The better me. I'm Lizzie 2.0

 This entry sounded really narcissistic, but I needed to write it. I needed to document these feelings while I still felt them, so when I feel down I can go back and read it. Sometimes I just need a reminder of how awesome I truly am.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Midnight FroYo, Glacier Water, and the Public Transit System

 After a week of being a homebody and hiding out in my room, I'm glad to say that I'm adjusting nicely to Austin. This really is a great place to live and I'm looking forward to spending the next few years here. UT provides so much for students to do! I'm not used to it. I find myself repeating my life in Lufkin, sitting around for a long time trying to think of what to do, only now I have too many choices (as opposed to none). Just in the past few days I saw stand up comedians, had frozen yogurt at midnight, played a weak game of football (and its a stretch to be able to call it that), and went to Barton Springs. Boy is that place cold! I've swam in spring water in Alaska that was the same temperature as this. But anyways, the bus rides are free for students so the entertainment options are limitless! I love calling Austin home.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

With everyone leaving for college lately, it's given me time to think about life. Starting college in a new town can be scary.  You have to start over in a new place without all the familiarity of home. Your friends and family aren't there to support you, to protect you, to push you. You are completely responsible for yourself. You're an adult. You're on your own. You could change who you are, and no one is there to call you out on it. No one really knows who you were in your home town, so starting with a clean slate sounds very attractive and is completely possible.
I've been flirting with the idea of having a completely different life at college. My morals keep me from having the lifestyle that most college students have so I've considered forgoing my morals so that I could "fit in" with the other college students. It would be way easier to make friends if I could mold myself to fit their lifestyle. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that wasn't me. I am the way I am for a reason. I would not feel comfortable living any other way.
You don't have to change who you are to make friends. I promise people will be attracted to your fortitude. Other people are out there looking for someone who is not wishy washy. Someone who doesn't change every time a new situation is thrown at them. Someone who sticks to their morals.
Like I said earlier, starting college can be frightening. And changing who you are sounds like an easy fix. I just ask that you remember who you are. Any group of friends that forces you to change who you are just to hang out with them, is not worth being friends with. Never compromise yourself, I promise you won't regret it.
My hair is growing back white blonde. It's interesting. I can't wait till it grows out so I can see if it gains pigmentation. Last time it grew back like regular hair and it was DARK. And when I say dark, I mean almost black. This time my hair is growing back fuzzy, like rabbit fur, and blonde. Typically, post chemo patients grow hair which later falls out and then their actual, permanent hair comes in. I wonder if this is my temporary hair. If it is, I'm going to be annoyed! I'm ready to have  hair so I don't have to worry about getting sunburns on my head.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


Since shaving my head, I have had a little self esteem trouble. After the initial head shaving, the "Bald is Beautiful" kick wore off and I began to feel like less of a girl. I grew up with society teaching me that girls should have pretty, long hair. It's thrown in our faces almost every day that women have hair. Shampoo commercials are filled with women that have long, luxurious, thick hair. Makeup commercials have models with long hair. Even Pinterest conveys the same idea. I have yet to see a picture there of a girl with a pixie cut that people long for. I'm just as guilty for feeding this idea that women have hair. When I see the picture of the Disney princesses without hair it gives me the creeps and  I certainly haven't pinned a picture of a short haircut with the title "MUST HAVE." We are taught that hair is what makes us girls. I didn't realize this until after I lost my hair. Children were constantly asking me if I was a girl or a boy. One girl had even referred to me as He like fifty times after talking to me the whole weekend. (I found this surprising because I think my voice is pretty girly. It's sort of high for a boy voice.) After a few times (like 15) that ended in tears on my half, I learned to shrug it off. They're kids, they don't know. I came to accept that I can be pretty without hair, that was until my last round of chemo. This time it made me lose my eyebrows and most of the eyelashes on my right eye. I was left feeling like more of an alien than a girl.
I played the feeling off as a joke, but I guess it mattered to me more than I thought. Last Wednesday when I went to church someone who I hadn't seen since my eyebrows went MIA shouted "You shaved your eyebrows!" I didn't think anything of it at the time but it took a toll on my self esteem. Later that week I found myself drawing on eyebrows and thinking I was pretty again even though I looked like a clown. (I have never been, nor will I ever be, a makeup artist. One of my eyebrows was darker and higher that the other. I looked like Jenna Marbles in her video My Boyfriend Does My Makeup.) My mom and stepsister had the decency to not let me leave the house that way so I took them off.
Later that night at a party, my friend Leah asked if I wanted my hair back. At first I was like DUH! It's not my life dream to be bald. But then she explained that she thought I looked really pretty with no hair. She thought I rocked the look and didn't really think I needed hair to look good. I have to admit that made me feel really good. It's nice to know that people have different ideas of beauty. You don't have to have a certain kind of hair, or any hair, to be beautiful. So thank you, Leah, for the GIANT confidence boost. I feel like a girl again. I mean I still want my eyebrows back, but I can wait a little while for my hair.

I guess the point of this post is that there are different ideas of beauty when it comes to hair. And that words can make a huge impact on people, even if they don't realize it. So be careful what you say because it can affect someone greatly.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

While I do believe that everyone has the right to their own opinion and should be able to express it freely, I do not support Chick-fil-A appreciation day. As Christians, we are supposed to love our brothers and sisters even if we don't necessarily agree with what they're doing. Hence the saying "Love the sinner, hate the sin." Today's event has morphed into something it was not originally intended for. Instead of being a day to support a business that is being scrutinized in the public eye for expressing an opinion, people are going there as a form of protest against gay people. I do realize that not everyone that went to chickfila today went there to take a stand against gay people, so do not feel like I lumped you into that group. As christians we are supposed to be the body of christ, though. We are the arms, the limbs, the lips, and the heart. We cannot take part in protests such as these because they are hateful. A spiteful seed is at the root of this protest and the supporters of it are responsible for nourishing this seed until it grew into the spectacle it was today. The protest today casts a negative light on christians. To others, it seems as if the heart of christianity is a cruel and hateful one. Instead of being part of the group that speaks hateful words from lips that are supposed to be of Christ, we need to be part of the group that reaches out with open arms and cradle those that are being hurt by this huge debocal.
Christians don't hold protests against liars, we don't hold protests against adulterers, we don't hold protests against people who disrespect their parents. So why should we hold protests against homosexuals? When we protest, we only hurt christianity by turning people away. We are responsible for turning people towards Jesus, so why don't we focus our energy on something that has a seed of love instead of one of hate? We need to be hands that heal instead of hands that hate because "Jesus paid much too high of a price for us to pick and choose who should come."