More than a month ago I was in the hospital dying. My doctor had to pull my family aside and tell them I had began the process of dying and my best friend had to call all of my other friends to tell them that I was dying. We all knew it was coming, but not so suddenly. I had gone from walking a.round campus to lying on my death bed in a week. Anyways they brought me home on hospice and by the grace of God I actually got better. There was still a ton wrong with me, but I was improving day by day. For a while I was depressed though. I wished I had died. I was tired of depending on others for everything and being confined to my house all day every day. I kept telling my mom I wish I had died because I really wish I had. I wanted to be in heaven, not stuck in my bed and attached to a whole bunch of wires.
I was sad. I was moody. I was angry.
But now things are different. I'm basically how I was before I went to the hospital but I still have to live a different life. Something I'm not used to. I have limits. I know them. I know when it's time for me to go home or take medicine. My friends know this too and they look out for me. And sometimes that makes me angry and hard to deal with. For that I apologize. Then there are my other friends that treat me regularly, and I really love them because I feel normal, but these aren't always the best friends to hang around.
Anyways I have to live a new life. A life with extreme limits. A life that makes me angry a ton of the time. A life that keeps me tired ALL of the time. I'm only 19, I'm not ready to live like this. I don't want to live like this. I want to be normal. I want to go back to school in the fall. I want to go to parties and not leave early. I want to be able to just breathe.
I want to be fixed. I ask myself daily if I'm ready to live this life. And the answer is always no.
Always checking on you Lizzie, so I'm selfishly glad to see this latest post.
ReplyDeleteIt must be terribly confusing to have such conflicting emotion, but its no wonder that you feel angry and very frustrated at times. Your health is going one way, then another. You know what you don't want, but yet it's what you have. You want normal, but your life is taking a different course. And cancer is not the only thing in your life, yet it requires most of your attention. Attention you would rather devote to living the way you would like to.
I'm sorry for the frustration, the sadness, the grief, the ups and downs, the dodged dreams, the loss, the worry, the discomfort. I wish it wasn't so. But I also wish you some slice of peace in each of your days, a moment of overwhelming greatness. Something that speaks to your heart and something that reminds you that there is value to each day. And somewhere in each of these days, I would like you to remember how much you matter, how much you are loved, how much your story means, how we have all loved harder and felt more compassionate because of the impact your life has had on all of ours.
Gentle peace to you today beautiful one.
Mary Nickels
Momma to Mattie
Marynickels26@gmail.com