This past weekend I received some news that I'm not sure how to respond to. My emotions were conflicting constantly and I had no idea what was the right way to feel. I'm not going to lie, yesterday I was a blubbering mess. While I started the day crying for one reason, I ended it crying for another. Ruth gave me a bag full of cards that I decided to read. Each one was moving and inspiring. They left me with renewed confidence and vigor. Thank you everyone for giving me the will to stay strong and not drown in my situation. I would also like to thank Walker and Katelyn for telling me its ok to feel what I'm feeling and to let people know. I don't have to keep on acting like a super human. Although I've acted optimistic around people, I'm scared. I cry..ALOT. Sometimes I don't even know why. I yearn to have my old life back. My faith has wavered and I was beginning to crumble. I felt like a sham. Everyone was telling me how inspirational I was because of my unwavering faith and constant strength during my battle with cancer. But secretly I was breaking under this pressure that was being put on me. I thought that it was wrong for me to feel the way I do, but I'm only human. I can only be strong for so long. But because of the cards you sent me, I realize just how much support I have behind me. As much as I complain about the physical town of Lufkin, I really do love the people. I am so thankful for everyone in and around Lufkin and I have no idea what I would do without y'all. Here are some excerpts from some of the wonderful cards.

"Tough Cookie- A fighter that who's too busy kicking butt to sit down and cry, but know's its ok to do both."

"Your fight has reminded me that all of my burdens can be made light if I only set them on Him."

"So I have always loved butterflies. They're so pretty and happy and free. But who would've thought this ugly caterpillar could transform into something beautiful. I sorta see cancer this way. At first it seems like this awful, ugly, unfortunate illness, but something beautiful can come out of it."

"Your situation made me realize what is important, and now I try so hard to always be grateful and handle things like you did."

"I know we believe in different religions but... honestly I don't think that God gives a challenge w/o giving us the adequate strength to get through it."

"I haven't been very "in-touch" with God lately. In fact it wasn't until last night that I realized- I haven't prayed in a very very long time...years!.. It made me realize a lot. I haven't been living my life like I should. Things are going to change. I promise to get closer to God, for you Lizzie! Because of you!"

"My kind friend Lizzie, you are the poop to my toilet...If I still had a Myspace, you would be in my top friends!"

One of the most eye opening cards was from my dear friend Nisha. Since my diagnosis, everyone has been throwing bible versus at me. Which, don't get me wrong, is totally ok. But sometimes I'm just like "Thanks but what does that have to do with my situation?" Nisha included in her card a scripture that most accurately affects my life.
"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. Since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal"
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend a retreat for children with cancer. The Faust's opened their beautiful home, Squirrel Creek Ranch, to us so that we could have one weekend that was not focused on cancer.  I have never been more distracted from my illness while still being fully aware that I'm sick (if that even makes sense). I mean you had to have cancer to get invited. The weekend was packed full of  fun activities that kept me from concentrating on my cancer like seeing exotic animals, fishing, water balloon toss (Alex and I won that competition thanks to the teachings of Mr. Willis!). Even though my weekend ended in two visits to the ER and a short stay in the hospital because I caught the stomach virus, it was the most relaxing time I have had since my diagnosis. Not only did I meet the love of my life (too bad he's 28 and I'll never see him again and it was a completely one sided secret crush), I caught fish with my bare hands! I mean they were minnows in a barrel, but it's still legit. I loved spending the weekend surrounded by people with cancer, because there I was normal. Everyone there has been affected by cancer and they were fighting their own battles. Here are some highlights from my weekend.

 My first limo ride!

 As you can tell, I REALLY LOVE butterflies.

At an antique farm house!

I just wanted to share a small part of the story of my surgery day.I think it might provide some comic relief. When I got to the hospital at 5:45 Tuesday morning, the stuff I had to take the night before to clear my bowels was still very very much working. So my first ten minutes at the hospital were spent running around the first floor ( which is like a maze), frantically looking for a restroom so I wouldn't pull a Bridesmaids' move and poop on myself. When I got to my room, I had to put on a hospital gown ( you know the typical ones that do not cover your butt AT ALL). Except mine was even worse, it was missing a strap so it wouldn't close at all. NOT ONE BIT. Then they had to move me to a different room because my surgery was postponed, but instead of getting me a different gown, they put another on my back like a robe. So instead of having one gown that swallowed me up, I had two that completely engulfed my entire body. Later they had me take another pregnancy test, even though I assured them there was no possible way that I could be pregnant. But no one ever came to take my urine sample back, and when they wheeled me out of the room I asked if they wanted me to bring it with me, but they told me no. When I got down to the surgery waiting area, they asked me if I had taken a pregnancy test, to which I replied yes, it was still sitting up in the room. So they sent someone up to find it, but it was gone! They had lost my pee, how irresponsible! They asked if I could take another one, which I replied I might be able to, but I hadn't had anything to eat or drink past ten o'clock the night before, and it was now two in the afternoon. To my surprise, I was able to pee easily...too easily. I had almost filled up the cup when I felt one of my gowns drop into the toilette. In my attempt to get the gown out, I leaned my pee cup too far over and proceeded to spill most of it all over me. At that stage I was annoyed, I had just done all that work for nothing! There was barely anything left in the cup, and there was no way I was going to be able to pee anymore. The hospital was just going to have to deal! So I stormed out of the bathroom with a scowl on my face and placed my cup firmly on the counter. About an hour later a nurse came by to inform me that my pregnancy test was, in fact, negative. To which my mother and I replied OH! THANK GOD! WHAT A MIRACLE.

This is the goodbye letter I wrote to my tumors before surgery. Dearest Tupac, Mary Kate, and Ashley  It's been fun....NOT. I hope you have a nice trip and never return. Seriously, you're not welcome here. I don't like you. Forever yours (just kidding), Lizzie

I just wanted to thank everyone for the love and support you have provided. It has been so nice to have such a large group rooting for me. If you would still like to help, here's a way that you can change millions of people's lives. Just donate a small amount to the American Cancer Society in support of cancer research. If everyone donates just a small amount, there would be so much money being fueled to stopping or curing cancer! Imagine one day without cancer; you can be responsible for such a beautiful future just by donating a dollar or two! If you would like to donate, just follow this link!
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/?team_id=1179161&pg=team&fr_id=40635
There's a link right above this. It's just black so it's hard to see. Move your mouse over it and it will light up!

Sometimes life can be cruel. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Some people are put in our lives for only a short period of time and are taken away almost as soon as they appear. Some people only live a short life and some live to be a hundred years old. Some suffer from disease, abuse, or poverty. It can be hard to find your way and discover your purpose in a world like this. One that is filled with hatred and suffering. It can be so easy to see what goes on around us and choose to focus on ourselves. Focus on our own suffering and remain unconcerned by the pain of others. It is SO EASY to become lost. To drown in what the world is throwing at us. To lose purpose, to just live life like a machine. Without feelings, hopes, or dreams. Only focused on survival. Like the song says "What good am I? Heaven only knows." Just remember that God gives everyone purpose. He does not just put you on Earth to suffer through it alone. He strategically places people in our lives to make an impact on us and we are meant to make an impact on others. We are meant to LIVE and discover our purpose. I believe that God only puts us on Earth for a purpose, and once we have done that, we don't have to live here anymore. So even if you are young, find your purpose. Make sure you live life and don't get caught up in the chase of monetary values. Our lives are like dust, here one minute, and gone the next with something so small as a gust of wind.So make the most of your life, you may not have that long. I don't mean to sound so morbid, but it's true.

Also, this Monday is really important. As I've said before, my case is so rare that treatment is always different and my doctors weren't even sure that chemotherapy would work. I have tests this Monday to see if the chemo has made any impact on my tumors. So please keep me in your prayers.From what the doctors told me, it sounded like if my chemo doesn't work, there's nothing else they can do for me.

Change. Change is something that has become a constant in my life. I knew things would be different once I was diagnosed. That day, I moved forward with my new life and never looked back. I thought I had completely accepted that my life was now different. Instead of waking up at 6 every day to get ready for school, I wake up and take oral chemotherapy and nausea pills. Instead of eating lunch with my friends, I sit at home alone with my dog. Every Monday, I have to drive to Houston for a check up. And unlike my sister, who has a cold and just has to suck it up and deal with it, if I get a cold I have to be hospitalized. I had even accepted that I no longer look like a normal teenage girl. I embraced my baldness, and I am slowly learning to shrug off all the strangers that stare at me when I venture out into public. Although I thought I was totally ok with my new life, I was wrong. I still yearned to be a normal teenager like all of my friends. I wanted to do the normal teenagery things that I was no longer allowed to do. I didn't realize that though until the day before prom. I finally cried. It was the first time I had cried since my diagnosis.

My second round of chemotherapy was definitely harsher than my first. My body was weaker than the first time, so it could not handle the chemo very well. While I was in the hospital, I puked every day, sometimes more than once. Because my medicine has delayed nausea, it only got worse when I got home. For two weeks I puked three, four, maybe five times a day. It definitely took a toll on my body. My throat was so raw, I started to puke up blood. I stopped eating because I knew I would get sick later. I even stopped drinking because it hurt too much to swallow. Thursday was odd, I had started to feel better. I even told my mom and texted my dad that it was the first day I hadn't puked in two weeks. I had celebrated too soon though. When I tried to go to bed, I kept getting sick. The next day I got sick again and noticed that more and more blood was showing up when I got sick. I finally told my stepdad to call the doctor and they told me to come into the E.R. I was so sad! I thought for one night, I would get to be like all the other people at my school and do the normal senior thing, go to prom. I would have to miss the one thing I was looking forward to for weeks! When we got to the Children's Hospital, they rushed us into a room and tons of people were running in and out. It turns out that my heart rate was 140 (people have that heart rate when they run marathons). My body was so weak and dehydrated that it was working super hard just to function normally. They stuck these things on my chest to monitor my heartbeat and also started an IV of liquids. The doctors were determined to get me to prom though, and if they couldn't get me out of the hospital then they would find some guy to come dance with me. Saturday would be the weirdest prom preparation day ever. At three in the morning I had to have a platelet transfusion to stop the bleeding in my throat. That day they continued to pump me full of liquids as fast as they could. When they finally disconnected me from my IV and told me I was ok to leave, I jumped in the shower and headed to the Galleria to get my head shaved. I had already lost most of my hair, but I still had patches, like a balding man. Then I went to Mac to get my makeup done quickly so I could head home and finish getting ready. I ended up making it home an hour before my prom pre-party. My grandmother showed up just in time with a new pair of toms to wear with my dress so I could finally leave. (I had to wear toms instead of the heels I had planned on because my oral chemo makes my feet feel like I stepped on a fire). I ended up having a great time at prom and it was so nice to see all of my friends and classmates! Although I had planned on going to an after party, I was just too tired to function anymore. I ended up going to bed at 12, perfectly satisfied with my day. I realized that it's ok to miss being a teenager sometimes. I have to accept that my life has changed, but that doesn't mean I can't still be a teenage girl sometimes.

The wind was blowing so hard. I was freaking out because it was messing up my hair.