If you know me, then you know I'm a planner. I like for things to be in order and know what I'm doing before I

Fearless

Sometimes the best nights are not the ones spent partying with friends, but the nights sharing your heart with them. Last night was one of those nights.
During our life talk I realized how much we focus on fear. Fear has to be the largest thing that keeps us from reaching our true potential. Our fear of the future keeps us from taking leaps that could be beneficial. Our fear of the future keeps us from enjoying the life we have right now. Our fear of the future keeps us from developing better relationships with the people around us.
Sometimes this fear can be good and keeps us from making bad decisions, but I

Smile.

Smile because
I love you
You have great dance moves
You have something to live for
The sun is going to come up tomorrow
Someone is ALWAYS happy to see you
Life is a good thing
Food will never betray you (unless you're allergic to it, in that case it definitely is plotting to kill you)
God loves you no matter what happens
You're outrageously attractive
You're smart
Someone somewhere wishes they could be like you
You're fun to be around
You make someone laugh
Your hair looks FANTASTIC (yes, that was directed at me. I'm having trouble adjusting to my 'fro)
You're positively brilliant
Your situation is not as bad as it could be
You have friends that love you
I like you just the way you are

TexasTHON

Standing for kids who can't stand for themselves.

As you all know, children with chronic or terminal diseases hold a special place in my heart. I'm part of an organization called S.M.I.L.E, Students Making Impacts through Love and Empathy. S.M.I.L.E does a TON of work with the Dell Children's Hospital here in Austin. One of their fundraisers is TexasTHON, where you raise money and stand for 12 hours for the kids that can't stand for themselves. Seeing as how I was one of those kids just this past year, I know just how much it sucks, and how expensive it is. I was lucky enough to live in a great town that donated a lot when I really needed it, but not everyone is as lucky as me. This fundraiser helps those families get the treatment they need, regardless of how much they can pay. I only need to raise $100 dollars to participate, and right now I have nada, zilch, zero. You don't have to donate much to help, and your donation goes to a TERRIFIC cause that drastically changes people's lives each year.

I know it's awkward to ask for money....but could you PLEASE donate?It's for the kids!

For more information about TexasTHON, check out the website here!

Sometimes you just need to spend a little quiet time with God and things get better. Not the cancer cured type of better (but hey, miracles can happen), but the feeling of understanding that you're never alone better. Thank you, God, for covering me with your grace and making me feel loved  when I need it the most, but deserve it the least.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you"
1 Peter 5:7

I just need to vent

Some days I'm like "Cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me" and other days I'm like "Cancer sucks". Today was one of those days. Cancer sucks a ton. It's crappy. It's not fun. It's a party pooper. I hate it. I was just thinking about the things that I really wanted to experience that I'm not going to now. Like marriage and babies. I get that you can't plan your life, I really do. God always has something different in mind, that is always better than what you have planned. BUT that doesn't always mean that you have to be happy about it. I'm fine with having cancer, but I just wish there was more time for me to do the things that I really really really wanted to do that are more long term than the things on my bucket list. Like marriage and babies and my own home and financing my own life. So from that view point, yes, cancer is the pooper of the party that is my life. I'm not angry with God at all, I'm just really sad that those things won't be a part of my life because five years just isn't enough time for all of that to happen.

Sorry about my vent session. Also, I'm now taking husband applications to speed the marriage process up.

January 12, 2013

I haven't been writing much lately so I figured I go deep and personal with this entry.

I met with my doctors this past week and talked about what's going to happen next. I'd started to experience some pain in my chest so they wanted me to come in to see what's up. The pain did disappear on it's own, so we're not really sure what it is. It could be my tumors or it could just be heartburn that may or may not be caused by the tumors or my poor diet (have I mentioned how much I love pizza and Whataburger? Not together though). Who knows! I guess we'll find out if it gets any worse. Anyways, the pain is not a problem for me. I know it's going to happen eventually and there's not much we can do about it. It's just a fact of life for me and I'm not afraid of it.  I'll face that problem when I come to it.
What I am afraid of are my relationships. It's one thing to be sick yourself, but it's another to watch a loved one be sick. I'm afraid that this will put a strain on the relationships I have with my friends and family. I'm afraid that I'll get super sick when my relationships are rocky and there's nothing I can do about it so things will end on a sour note. I'm afraid that some relationships will be started on false premises just because I'm sick. I'm also afraid that some won't ever start because they don't know how to act around me or that I'm too afraid to because I know just how sick I am.
I've already  drifted away from some of my friends because of this and it makes me so sad to look back and see that. But I've also grown closer to some of the best friends in my life because of this, so it's give and take. I just really hope that this doesn't hinder me from creating great relationships with new people.

Anyways, these are my fears.