January 12, 2013

I haven't been writing much lately so I figured I go deep and personal with this entry.

I met with my doctors this past week and talked about what's going to happen next. I'd started to experience some pain in my chest so they wanted me to come in to see what's up. The pain did disappear on it's own, so we're not really sure what it is. It could be my tumors or it could just be heartburn that may or may not be caused by the tumors or my poor diet (have I mentioned how much I love pizza and Whataburger? Not together though). Who knows! I guess we'll find out if it gets any worse. Anyways, the pain is not a problem for me. I know it's going to happen eventually and there's not much we can do about it. It's just a fact of life for me and I'm not afraid of it.  I'll face that problem when I come to it.
What I am afraid of are my relationships. It's one thing to be sick yourself, but it's another to watch a loved one be sick. I'm afraid that this will put a strain on the relationships I have with my friends and family. I'm afraid that I'll get super sick when my relationships are rocky and there's nothing I can do about it so things will end on a sour note. I'm afraid that some relationships will be started on false premises just because I'm sick. I'm also afraid that some won't ever start because they don't know how to act around me or that I'm too afraid to because I know just how sick I am.
I've already  drifted away from some of my friends because of this and it makes me so sad to look back and see that. But I've also grown closer to some of the best friends in my life because of this, so it's give and take. I just really hope that this doesn't hinder me from creating great relationships with new people.

Anyways, these are my fears.