More than a month ago I was in the hospital dying. My doctor had to pull my family aside and tell them I had began the process of dying and my best friend had to call all of my other friends to tell them that I was dying. We all knew it was coming, but not so suddenly. I had gone from walking a.round campus to lying on my death bed in a week. Anyways they brought me home on hospice and by the grace of God I actually got better. There was still a ton wrong with me, but I was improving day by day. For a while I was depressed though. I wished I had died. I was tired of depending on others for everything and being confined to my house all day every day. I kept telling my mom I wish I had died because I really wish I had. I wanted to be in heaven, not stuck in my bed and attached to a whole bunch of wires.
I was sad. I was moody. I was angry.
But now things are different. I'm basically how I was before I went to the hospital but I still have to live a different life. Something I'm not used to. I have limits. I know them. I know when it's time for me to go home or take medicine. My friends know this too and they look out for me. And sometimes that makes me angry and hard to deal with. For that I apologize. Then there are my other friends that treat me regularly, and I really love them because I feel normal, but these aren't always the best friends to hang around.
Anyways I have to live a new life. A life with extreme limits. A life that makes me angry a ton of the time. A life that keeps me tired ALL of the time. I'm only 19, I'm not ready to live like this. I don't want to live like this. I want to be normal. I want to go back to school in the fall. I want to go to parties and not leave early. I want to be able to just breathe.
I want to be fixed. I ask myself daily if I'm ready to live this life. And the answer is always no.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
HEY I'M BACK.
Sorry it's been a while, I hit a few speed bumps this past month that kept me down for a while. And by speed bumps I mean mountains. I've been highly medicated for the past month and can't tell you anything that's happened really for the past few weeks besides the fact that I'm apparently hilarious while on morphine. And apparently I got engaged to a pro soccer player? I honestly don't remember that happening though.
I literally just remembered that my birthday passed two days ago, I've been that out of it. I was really bad off for a bit, like my doctors were giving me weeks to live bad off, but I'm bouncing back. Obviously I don't have the strength I did before, but I'm doing so much better. I'm off basically all medicine and I'm not sick when I move. I'm just glad to be better.
Sorry it's been a while, I hit a few speed bumps this past month that kept me down for a while. And by speed bumps I mean mountains. I've been highly medicated for the past month and can't tell you anything that's happened really for the past few weeks besides the fact that I'm apparently hilarious while on morphine. And apparently I got engaged to a pro soccer player? I honestly don't remember that happening though.
I literally just remembered that my birthday passed two days ago, I've been that out of it. I was really bad off for a bit, like my doctors were giving me weeks to live bad off, but I'm bouncing back. Obviously I don't have the strength I did before, but I'm doing so much better. I'm off basically all medicine and I'm not sick when I move. I'm just glad to be better.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Let's get personal
Today I moved most of my stuff out of my dorm. The place that I've called home for basically the past year. The place that my heart warms up when seeing is about to no longer be my home. My house in Lufkin is about to be my home forever (or however long my forever may be.) Because of this I am sad. I have been very sad lately just because of how things are going. I see myself losing my abilities do so simple things everyday. I can't leave my dorm for more than an hour or two without needing a four hour nap. I have to take higher dosage nausea pills now because my old ones don't work. If I'm eating, it's not because I'm hungry, it's because I know that I'll be sick until I put something in my stomach. I'm losing weight. I'm losing energy. I'm lost in general.
I have no motivation to do well on finals. I really see no point in studying. I'd rather just sleep. Or watch tv. I just want to lay in bed all day and take an abundance of showers because those make me feel better. But soon I'll be out of college and truly be floating, and I wrestle with the idea daily.
I know God has a plan and I trust it, but there's still a part of me that's sad every time something doesn't work out. Africa is a no go and because of that my heart is broken. I cry basically every time I talk about it or think about it (so basically every day). It's seriously something that I've always wanted. More than kids. More than marriage. I wanted to visit Africa. I'm positive that my heart is there and can't be fixed because a part of me will always want to be there.
Because I can't control most of the things that are happening to me, I've tried to do so in other ways. I broke up with my boyfriend a week (or two) ago. Sometimes I wonder if it was the right choice, but I think I function best alone in times like this. I'm cutting the metaphorical ties that weren't really keeping me from doing anything, but they're cut. Maybe I did it so I wouldn't feel as though I would have to worry as much or think of a whole bunch of people when making decisions, but either way it's already been done so does reason matter? I'm sure if I'm meant to have a significant other during these next few years, then something will happen, but as for now I really think I'm supposed to do this by myself.
So this is me. This is what lost looks like. Hopefully soon, I know what floating feels like. Because I know that I'm not doing that now. There are still a few more things that I need to let go of before I can really float on and depend solely on God's plan. And I know that's going to be hard because I'm a planner and this not knowing what's going to happen next thing is kind of killing me. Instead of floating I feel like I'm walking into the ocean with my pockets full of every single thing that will keep me grounded, but I'm emptying my pockets one by one. Slowly but surely, these pockets will eventually be empty.
Sorry for the depressing blog post! I might take a step back from blogging until I can write some more uplifting things. I like feeling happy and I like writing happy things, but I just haven't been feeling it lately. And if this is how most people are going to remember me, then I don't want to be remembered like this.
Also, my birthday is coming up. I'll be nineteen on May 9 and I think it would be really cool if you could just leave me the title of a book you would want me to have and why. I'm dedicating my summer to reading and I would love hear what y'all love and why you think I would love it.
I have no motivation to do well on finals. I really see no point in studying. I'd rather just sleep. Or watch tv. I just want to lay in bed all day and take an abundance of showers because those make me feel better. But soon I'll be out of college and truly be floating, and I wrestle with the idea daily.
I know God has a plan and I trust it, but there's still a part of me that's sad every time something doesn't work out. Africa is a no go and because of that my heart is broken. I cry basically every time I talk about it or think about it (so basically every day). It's seriously something that I've always wanted. More than kids. More than marriage. I wanted to visit Africa. I'm positive that my heart is there and can't be fixed because a part of me will always want to be there.
Because I can't control most of the things that are happening to me, I've tried to do so in other ways. I broke up with my boyfriend a week (or two) ago. Sometimes I wonder if it was the right choice, but I think I function best alone in times like this. I'm cutting the metaphorical ties that weren't really keeping me from doing anything, but they're cut. Maybe I did it so I wouldn't feel as though I would have to worry as much or think of a whole bunch of people when making decisions, but either way it's already been done so does reason matter? I'm sure if I'm meant to have a significant other during these next few years, then something will happen, but as for now I really think I'm supposed to do this by myself.
So this is me. This is what lost looks like. Hopefully soon, I know what floating feels like. Because I know that I'm not doing that now. There are still a few more things that I need to let go of before I can really float on and depend solely on God's plan. And I know that's going to be hard because I'm a planner and this not knowing what's going to happen next thing is kind of killing me. Instead of floating I feel like I'm walking into the ocean with my pockets full of every single thing that will keep me grounded, but I'm emptying my pockets one by one. Slowly but surely, these pockets will eventually be empty.
Sorry for the depressing blog post! I might take a step back from blogging until I can write some more uplifting things. I like feeling happy and I like writing happy things, but I just haven't been feeling it lately. And if this is how most people are going to remember me, then I don't want to be remembered like this.
Also, my birthday is coming up. I'll be nineteen on May 9 and I think it would be really cool if you could just leave me the title of a book you would want me to have and why. I'm dedicating my summer to reading and I would love hear what y'all love and why you think I would love it.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
I CAN BREATHE AGAIN
Yesterday I had my procedure done to get the fluid out of my lung. Apparently most people are asleep for it and now I know why. IT HURT A TON. There may have been a few silent tears rolling down my face. They basically stick a tube through your ribs and then the fluid just drains out so you feel a lot of pressure. They were only able to get 600 cc of fluid out before they had to stop because I started having a lot of trouble breathing and felt pain in my chest so they had to give me oxygen and monitor my heart beat. They said I'm still really diminished on my right side as far as breathing goes though, so this might become a regular procedure. But at least I can breathe a lot bettter.
I wasn't able to keep down my dinner last night so the only thing I've had to eat in the past two days is a handful of crackers. I woke up this morning feeling kind of cruddy and got in the shower before class and almost got sick, so I knew that I was not going to be able to go to any of my classes today. I was able to convince my professor to let me take his final at a different time so that's good. I haven't left my room all day and the only time I've left my bed is to get sick. I just hope I feel better soon.
BUT HEY, AT LEAST I CAN BREATHE BETTER.
I wasn't able to keep down my dinner last night so the only thing I've had to eat in the past two days is a handful of crackers. I woke up this morning feeling kind of cruddy and got in the shower before class and almost got sick, so I knew that I was not going to be able to go to any of my classes today. I was able to convince my professor to let me take his final at a different time so that's good. I haven't left my room all day and the only time I've left my bed is to get sick. I just hope I feel better soon.
BUT HEY, AT LEAST I CAN BREATHE BETTER.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
True Facts About Cancer
1. CANCER PERKS ARE A REAL THING
2. You'll poop on yourself at least once (or twice) and be able to laugh about it forever
3. I'm beeping is a completely logical sentence
4. Not everyone will get your sense of humor and your jokes end up being like dead baby jokes where no one finds them funny except you
5. You'll make a TON of temporary friendships because you only see these friends if you're getting chemo at the same time or they die
6. Relationships are hard. Even friendships. It's like this big elephant in the room that no one really wants to talk about. Or it's the opposite and that's all you talk about.
7. You will at one point be a hassle to nurses, but that's what they're paid for. One time when I was sleeping the needle that my chemo was being injected through got loose and stabbed me in the chest (like literally inside my chest because the needle was still in my port) but I refused to cooperate because I just wanted to sleep
8. Using the restroom is a huge issue and comes down to asking yourself if you really really have to go because if not, then it's not worth it. I can't tell you how frustrated I would get with the effort that it took to get to the restroom in my room just because of all the chemo I had to drag with me
9. You want hugs all the time while still wanting to be alone
10. You'll be asked a bazillion times if there's a possibility you could be pregnant
11. You'll also be asked a bazillion times if you smoke
12. You're going to lose some independence
13. Some of your favorite memories come out of this
14. Whenever your port is deaccessed? you feel super free almost like you just got your license or just turned 18
15. Chemo sucks a ton, like a ton a ton. But if you're like me you really don't remember how it felt or what happened during chemo weeks
16. It'll make you hate Houston (or whatever town your hospital is in)
17. Basically your whole family has cancer once you're diagnosed
18. Some days you feel like crying and that's ok
19. Some of your thoughts are really morbid
20. Emesis bags become your best friends. I'm pretty sure I collected those things like beanie babies
21. FREE TOOTHEPASTE AND TOOTHBRUSHES
22. Saline solution is your second best friend because mouth ulcers hurt alot
23. You have a favorite chemo food (mine are bean and cheese tacos) because they're easy on the stomach and don't hurt coming back up (nasty, I know, but this is my life)
24. Personally, I would rather die of pneumonia than take the huge horse pills that were prescribed. And you might revert to a five year old and hide from your mom when it's time to take those pills. But she'll eventually find you. SHE ALWAYS DOES.
25. Sunburns are ten times worse and 100 times easier to get when on chemo. And no amount of sunscreen can save you from the lectures from your doctors.
2. You'll poop on yourself at least once (or twice) and be able to laugh about it forever
3. I'm beeping is a completely logical sentence
4. Not everyone will get your sense of humor and your jokes end up being like dead baby jokes where no one finds them funny except you
5. You'll make a TON of temporary friendships because you only see these friends if you're getting chemo at the same time or they die
6. Relationships are hard. Even friendships. It's like this big elephant in the room that no one really wants to talk about. Or it's the opposite and that's all you talk about.
7. You will at one point be a hassle to nurses, but that's what they're paid for. One time when I was sleeping the needle that my chemo was being injected through got loose and stabbed me in the chest (like literally inside my chest because the needle was still in my port) but I refused to cooperate because I just wanted to sleep
8. Using the restroom is a huge issue and comes down to asking yourself if you really really have to go because if not, then it's not worth it. I can't tell you how frustrated I would get with the effort that it took to get to the restroom in my room just because of all the chemo I had to drag with me
9. You want hugs all the time while still wanting to be alone
10. You'll be asked a bazillion times if there's a possibility you could be pregnant
11. You'll also be asked a bazillion times if you smoke
12. You're going to lose some independence
13. Some of your favorite memories come out of this
14. Whenever your port is deaccessed? you feel super free almost like you just got your license or just turned 18
15. Chemo sucks a ton, like a ton a ton. But if you're like me you really don't remember how it felt or what happened during chemo weeks
16. It'll make you hate Houston (or whatever town your hospital is in)
17. Basically your whole family has cancer once you're diagnosed
18. Some days you feel like crying and that's ok
19. Some of your thoughts are really morbid
20. Emesis bags become your best friends. I'm pretty sure I collected those things like beanie babies
21. FREE TOOTHEPASTE AND TOOTHBRUSHES
22. Saline solution is your second best friend because mouth ulcers hurt alot
23. You have a favorite chemo food (mine are bean and cheese tacos) because they're easy on the stomach and don't hurt coming back up (nasty, I know, but this is my life)
24. Personally, I would rather die of pneumonia than take the huge horse pills that were prescribed. And you might revert to a five year old and hide from your mom when it's time to take those pills. But she'll eventually find you. SHE ALWAYS DOES.
25. Sunburns are ten times worse and 100 times easier to get when on chemo. And no amount of sunscreen can save you from the lectures from your doctors.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Shout out to my peeps
Let me tell you how proud I am of my friends. They're awesome. Really. Pure awesomeness.
This weekend I got pretty sick. I went to a Lumineers concert on Friday and basically puked the whole car ride there. I was unaware that I could puke that much on an empty stomach, it was a good forty minutes of nonstop sickness. But everyone else in the car was a champ. I don't think anyone was more disgusted than me.
Saturday I felt pretty good but I think I pushed myself too hard. We walked for hours and that was just too much for me. I laid in bed and started to feel really nauseous and considered (but decided against it) just falling asleep in the restroom so I wouldn't puke in my bed. My short nap turned into the whole night and then the next day I felt like death. It was horrible. But once again my friends were champs.
Sunday I didn't want to move at all. My own movement made me motion sick. I just wanted to lay down forever and never eat again. I was up maybe four hours yesterday and they were definitely not consecutive. I was supposed to go see NEEDTOBREATHE, but I knew there was no way I was going to be able to handle it so I gave my ticket away. Just standing for five minutes took all my energy so I knew that a concert was not a good idea. My friends kept checking to make sure I was ok and I really had to convince some of them that I would be fine. It was like every five minutes I got a text that said if you need anything tell me because I can get it for you. It won't be a problem. I thought I would never be able to get them to leave me alone so I could sleep it off.
Today I felt alright but I ended up having to have an emergency doctor visit. It's just getting really hard for me to breathe which takes away all of my energy to do anything else. My friend, David, drove me to the hospital and sat with me for the whole three hours while my doctor and I talked about options. I had to get a chest scan and basically my whole right lung is filled with fluid (THANK GOD HE GAVE US TWO), so tomorrow I'm having a short procedure done to drain all the excess liquid building up in my lung.
But I love my friends. I really do. They're the best family I could ask for. I have no idea what I would do without them. I'm so thankful that I can rely on people to take care of me when I don't feel like taking care of myself.
This weekend I got pretty sick. I went to a Lumineers concert on Friday and basically puked the whole car ride there. I was unaware that I could puke that much on an empty stomach, it was a good forty minutes of nonstop sickness. But everyone else in the car was a champ. I don't think anyone was more disgusted than me.
Saturday I felt pretty good but I think I pushed myself too hard. We walked for hours and that was just too much for me. I laid in bed and started to feel really nauseous and considered (but decided against it) just falling asleep in the restroom so I wouldn't puke in my bed. My short nap turned into the whole night and then the next day I felt like death. It was horrible. But once again my friends were champs.
Sunday I didn't want to move at all. My own movement made me motion sick. I just wanted to lay down forever and never eat again. I was up maybe four hours yesterday and they were definitely not consecutive. I was supposed to go see NEEDTOBREATHE, but I knew there was no way I was going to be able to handle it so I gave my ticket away. Just standing for five minutes took all my energy so I knew that a concert was not a good idea. My friends kept checking to make sure I was ok and I really had to convince some of them that I would be fine. It was like every five minutes I got a text that said if you need anything tell me because I can get it for you. It won't be a problem. I thought I would never be able to get them to leave me alone so I could sleep it off.
Today I felt alright but I ended up having to have an emergency doctor visit. It's just getting really hard for me to breathe which takes away all of my energy to do anything else. My friend, David, drove me to the hospital and sat with me for the whole three hours while my doctor and I talked about options. I had to get a chest scan and basically my whole right lung is filled with fluid (THANK GOD HE GAVE US TWO), so tomorrow I'm having a short procedure done to drain all the excess liquid building up in my lung.
But I love my friends. I really do. They're the best family I could ask for. I have no idea what I would do without them. I'm so thankful that I can rely on people to take care of me when I don't feel like taking care of myself.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Let's NOT read for class
So yesterday I picked up the book The Fault in Our Stars and basically devoured every page. I finished it earlier today and it was amazing. John Green was thinking of me when he wrote this book, not really, but the similarities between my life and the main character's life are astounding, besides the whole boy part. But if you honestly want to know what a teenager with cancer is thinking, read this book. I cannot say that enough. John Green is able to capture so many of my feelings and thoughts in this novel that it's crazy. Feelings that I would probably never share with anyone besides my sisters or mom, because let's face it, if you ask me how I'm doing, I'm going to lie to you. No one really wants to hear how crappy someone's life may be, and I honestly don't like telling people how cruddy I feel sometimes. So if you want to know my thoughts that I would never actually tell you, read this book. Even if you don't want to know my thoughts, read this book. It pretty much captures the life of a teenager living with cancer. Their thoughts. Their feelings. The reasoning behind their actions.
This book also opened my eyes. Like alot. It's like my eyelids are taped to my forehead my eyes are so open. I'm not going to give away the ending, but it's about a teenage girl in the last stages of cancer, so you do the math. I think I just had really romanticized ideas about dying and this burst them wide open. I thought I would feel as cruddy as I do on a bad day now and just not wake up, but it doesn't really happen like that. The amount of independence I'll have will be minimal to none and that kind of makes me angry. I feel like I'm digressing. When I can finally become an adult, cancer is just like nope, I'm going to make it to where you have to depend on people for the simplest things. Anyways, I'm not looking forward to that. At all. I guess I'm scared and angry about the day that finally comes, when I'm more dependent than independent and feel yucky more days than not.
But for now, it's been a good week. I feel so much better than I did last week. I'm independent and feeling well now so I'm going to enjoy it while I can. And with that, I bid you adieu because I really do have to read for class.
This book also opened my eyes. Like alot. It's like my eyelids are taped to my forehead my eyes are so open. I'm not going to give away the ending, but it's about a teenage girl in the last stages of cancer, so you do the math. I think I just had really romanticized ideas about dying and this burst them wide open. I thought I would feel as cruddy as I do on a bad day now and just not wake up, but it doesn't really happen like that. The amount of independence I'll have will be minimal to none and that kind of makes me angry. I feel like I'm digressing. When I can finally become an adult, cancer is just like nope, I'm going to make it to where you have to depend on people for the simplest things. Anyways, I'm not looking forward to that. At all. I guess I'm scared and angry about the day that finally comes, when I'm more dependent than independent and feel yucky more days than not.
But for now, it's been a good week. I feel so much better than I did last week. I'm independent and feeling well now so I'm going to enjoy it while I can. And with that, I bid you adieu because I really do have to read for class.
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