January 12, 2013

I haven't been writing much lately so I figured I go deep and personal with this entry.

I met with my doctors this past week and talked about what's going to happen next. I'd started to experience some pain in my chest so they wanted me to come in to see what's up. The pain did disappear on it's own, so we're not really sure what it is. It could be my tumors or it could just be heartburn that may or may not be caused by the tumors or my poor diet (have I mentioned how much I love pizza and Whataburger? Not together though). Who knows! I guess we'll find out if it gets any worse. Anyways, the pain is not a problem for me. I know it's going to happen eventually and there's not much we can do about it. It's just a fact of life for me and I'm not afraid of it.  I'll face that problem when I come to it.
What I am afraid of are my relationships. It's one thing to be sick yourself, but it's another to watch a loved one be sick. I'm afraid that this will put a strain on the relationships I have with my friends and family. I'm afraid that I'll get super sick when my relationships are rocky and there's nothing I can do about it so things will end on a sour note. I'm afraid that some relationships will be started on false premises just because I'm sick. I'm also afraid that some won't ever start because they don't know how to act around me or that I'm too afraid to because I know just how sick I am.
I've already  drifted away from some of my friends because of this and it makes me so sad to look back and see that. But I've also grown closer to some of the best friends in my life because of this, so it's give and take. I just really hope that this doesn't hinder me from creating great relationships with new people.

Anyways, these are my fears.

Happy New Year!

I can honestly say 2012 has been the most defining year of my life. I have experienced so much this year. At times it's been scary, others it's been blissful. I wouldn't be lying if I said that this year has been my most memorable year to date. I also wouldn't be lying if I said this has been the best year of my life.

I have gone through so much this year that no 18 year old should have to, but it has made me so much stronger. My life has been like a roller coaster this year and I've absolutely loved it. Sure I've cried, but I've laughed even more. I needed this year to grow into the person I am today. This year has tested me on so many levels, but I have come out on the other side a stronger and better person.

Last year my New Year's Resolutions were to get fit and be more outdoorsy. I'm pretty sure I did the exact opposite of that. This was only a reminder that I can't plan my life. At the beginning of last year I had my whole life planned out and then everything changed. Even when I adjusted my plans to fit my circumstances, things still didn't work out like I thought. I am not disappointed though, I have learned to adjust and move on, because that's the only thing you can really do. You can't decide what happens to you, but you can decide how you deal with it.

"Things didn't turn out the way they were supposed to, but what can you do? You must take life the way it comes at you and make the best of it."
-Life of Pi

Giraffes

Humans have 7 vertebrae in their neck. How many do giraffes have?
Seven.

 I got to pet a giraffe! It was so cool. They're so pretty and ginormous! I got to go behind the scenes at Ellen Trout Zoo and feed the giraffes bamboo and it was absolutely amazing. You can see them swallow and then spit their food back into their mouth. It was really interesting. Thank you Nisha and Mrs. Rudis for doing that for me, not everyone can say they had the same experience.

 Oh! And I also held hands with a monkey. They have old man fingers, it's sort of creepy.

Tattoo

Thanks so much to the Cook family for taking me to get my tattoo. I love it, I really do!

Yesterday I made the drive out to Nacogdoches to get a tattoo. YOLO, right?!?


JUST KIDDING.

 It wasn't spur of the moment. I didn't just get something to say I did. I've thought about this for a long time now and finally made a decision. I knew this was going to be permanent so I took the time to really think about what I wanted to get. I wanted something that described my goals, but not something that was cliche. I wanted something that I could look at and smile because it is a subtle hint of what I'm supposed to be doing. So I got the world tattooed on my left wrist.

Now every time I look at my arm, I am reminded that I need to be the change I want to see in the world. It's a constant reminder to strive to be a better person. A reminder that people are out there with much worse circumstances than mine. A reminder that every decision I make makes an impact on another life.
I never thought I would ever get a tattoo. I used to think they were trashy (no offense), but now I realize why people get them. Some people just need reminders of what's important to them or what they stand for. This is my life motto. Be the change you want to see in the world. I think it's better than Drake's. Just saying....

Make a Wish!

Thanks to everyone who told me about the meteor shower! It was great.

 Look at the stars! Just kidding. My attempt to take a picture of the meteor shower.

I was going to watch it in Austin, but I decided to come home instead. Then I made plans to watch it with a friend, but she ended up not being able to. But gosh darn it! I was going to watch that shower. I ended up watching it with my sister and my mom. It was great! I love them more than anything and I'm glad I got to share this with them.

BE the change

Have you ever noticed how humans are like playdough?

We're constantly morphing ourselves to fit the situation we're in. We act differently around our parents than we would around our boyfriend or girlfriend. We'll say something in front of our friends that we won't say in front of our pastor. We change ourselves to be comfortable, to fit in. This is a fact. It's a method of survival. Adapt to survive. There's nothing wrong with that.
 But have you ever noticed that we never mold ourselves to be better than the status quo? We always mold ourselves after an example, but never to be an example. Once we fit in, we don't try to change ourselves to be something better. We just try to fit the mold that everyone else is. This is what's bad about being playdough. It doesn't change by itself. From what I've heard, playdough has never thought "hmmmm. I don't like who I am now, I should make myself better." It has to be molded by an outside force. Whether that be our hands, or a plastic mold. Humans don't change by themselves either. If we're comfortable with how we are, that's how we'll stay until we're told to change. And even then it's a long process because we always see how others should change, but acknowledging our own faults is not easy.
After the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, it's easy to say that "you've lost hope in humanity". It's easy to gripe about gun laws. It's even easier to share pictures that "restore" hope. It's easy because it requires no effort whatsoever. Any one can make a facebook status. Anyone can send a tweet. Anyone can express their thoughts on what's wrong with humanity. But few of us will actually make an effort to change what's wrong with the world. Why is that? Because it requires a change within ourselves. There is not a single force responsible for the downfall of the integrity of the human race, but there are about 7 billion. What's wrong with humanity lies within each and every one of us and nothing about it is going to change until we look in the mirror and address the problem.

So instead of talking about changes, be the change, because nothing ever happens just by talking about it. There has to be some kind of action to initiate change. Take a day and reflect on how you could be a better person. Work on being just a little bit nicer every day.  Do twenty acts of kindness like this amazing couple who went out of their way (and comfort zone) to make an anonymous impact on the lives of people in Lufkin.Whatever you do, it doesn't have to be drastic. Most of the time, the biggest changes start out with just a little something different.

Props to Walker and Katelyn McWilliams. I am so proud to call them my friends. And if you didn't click the link to their blog earlier, click on it NOW! If everyone does what they did, the world would be a much happier place.

I have Cancer again and that's not a bad thing

My remission ending has not made me sad at all. This is a little weird, but it might have made me happier. I know that without this, I never would do any of the things I really wanted to with my life. I would have left college and gone straight into my career without giving any of the items on my bucket list a look. Nothing is holding me back now, I'm free to take any leap that I want.

One thing that makes me smile is the knowledge that God is using me. A few weeks ago I was consoling a friend and mentioned something that I didn't really think would apply to me again, but it does. God uses us for reasons that we may not always know, and sometimes that entails large struggles on our part. Cancer is not the way I imagined God using me, but that's the way it is so all I can do is be happy for this opportunity to touch people's lives. Cancer sucks a ton, but in my opinion, knowing that I'm positively affecting someone's life right now far outweighs the suckiness of being sick.

My bucket list used to have only one thing on it, and it was to know that before I died, I left a positive mark on Earth. I know that right now I am. After I'm gone (which isn't for a while) there's going to be a big ol' Lizzie footprint in the lives of my friends, family, and maybe even people I don't know. Because of this, I can go to bed smiling every night, even when I am stressed over finals or feeling cruddy.

So even though I'm sick, life is good. Really good.