True Facts About Cancer

1. CANCER PERKS ARE A REAL THING
2. You'll poop on yourself at least once (or twice) and be able to laugh about it forever
3. I'm beeping is a completely logical sentence
4. Not everyone will get your sense of humor and your jokes end up being like dead baby jokes    where no one finds them funny except you
5. You'll make a TON of temporary friendships because you only see these friends if you're getting chemo at the same time or they die
6. Relationships are hard. Even friendships. It's like this big elephant in the room that no one really wants to talk about. Or it's the opposite and that's all you talk about.
7. You will at one point be a hassle to nurses, but that's what they're paid for. One time when I was sleeping the needle that my chemo was being injected through got loose and stabbed me in the chest (like literally inside my chest because the needle was still in my port) but I refused to cooperate because I just wanted to sleep
8. Using the restroom is a huge issue and comes down to asking yourself if you really really have to go because if not, then it's not worth it. I can't tell you how frustrated I would get with the effort that it took to get to the restroom in my room just because of all the chemo I had to drag with me
9. You want hugs all the time while still wanting to be alone
10. You'll be asked a bazillion times if there's a possibility you could be pregnant
11. You'll also be asked a bazillion times if you smoke
12. You're going to lose some independence
13. Some of your favorite memories come out of this
14. Whenever your port is  deaccessed? you feel super free almost like you just got your license or just turned 18
15. Chemo sucks a ton, like a ton a ton. But if you're like me you really don't remember  how it felt or what happened during chemo weeks
16. It'll make you hate Houston (or whatever town your hospital is in)
17. Basically your whole family has cancer once you're diagnosed
18. Some days you feel like crying and that's ok
19. Some of your thoughts are really morbid
20. Emesis bags become your best friends. I'm pretty sure I collected those things like beanie babies
21. FREE TOOTHEPASTE AND TOOTHBRUSHES
22. Saline solution is your second best friend because mouth ulcers hurt alot
23. You have a favorite chemo food (mine are bean and cheese tacos) because they're easy on the stomach and don't hurt coming back up (nasty, I know, but this is my life)
24. Personally, I would rather die of pneumonia than take the huge horse pills that were prescribed. And you might revert to a five year old and hide from your mom when it's time to take those pills. But she'll eventually find you. SHE ALWAYS DOES.
25. Sunburns are ten times worse and 100 times easier to get when on chemo. And no amount of sunscreen can save you from the lectures from your doctors.

Shout out to my peeps

Let me tell you how proud I am of my friends. They're awesome. Really. Pure awesomeness.

This weekend I got pretty sick. I went to a Lumineers concert on Friday and basically puked the whole car ride there. I was unaware that I could puke that much on an empty stomach, it was a good forty minutes of nonstop sickness. But everyone else in the car was a champ. I don't think anyone was more disgusted than me.

Saturday I felt pretty good but I think I pushed myself too hard. We walked for hours and that was just too much for me. I laid in bed and started to feel really nauseous and considered (but decided against it) just falling asleep in the restroom so I wouldn't puke in my bed.   My short nap turned into the whole night and then the next day I felt like death. It was horrible. But once again my friends were champs.

Sunday I didn't want to move at all. My own movement made me motion sick. I just wanted to lay down forever and never eat again. I was up maybe four hours yesterday and they were definitely not consecutive. I was supposed to go see NEEDTOBREATHE, but I knew there was no way I was going to be able to handle it so I gave my ticket away. Just standing for five minutes took all my energy so I knew that a concert was not a good idea. My friends kept checking to make sure I was ok and I really had to convince some of them that I would be fine. It was like every five minutes I got a text that said if you need anything tell me because I can get it for you. It won't be a problem. I thought I would never be able to get them to leave me alone so I could sleep it off.

Today I felt alright but I ended up having to have an emergency doctor visit. It's just getting really hard for me to breathe which takes away all of my energy to do anything else. My friend, David, drove me to the hospital and sat with me for the whole three hours while my doctor and I talked about options. I had to get a chest scan and basically my whole right lung is filled with fluid (THANK GOD HE GAVE US TWO), so tomorrow I'm having a short procedure done to  drain all the excess liquid building up in my lung.

 But I love my friends. I really do. They're the best family I could ask for. I have no idea what I would do without them. I'm so thankful that I can rely on people to take care of me when I don't feel like taking care of myself.

Let's NOT read for class

So yesterday I picked up the book The Fault in Our Stars and basically devoured every page. I finished it earlier today and it was amazing. John Green was thinking of me when he wrote this book, not really, but the similarities between my life and the main character's life are astounding, besides the whole boy part. But if you honestly want to know what a teenager with cancer is thinking, read this book. I cannot say that enough. John Green is able to capture so many of my feelings and thoughts in this novel that it's crazy. Feelings that I would probably never share with anyone besides my sisters or mom, because let's face it, if you ask me how I'm doing, I'm going to lie to you. No one really wants to hear how crappy someone's life may be, and I honestly don't like telling people how cruddy I feel sometimes. So if you want to know my thoughts that I would never actually tell you, read this book. Even if you don't want to know my thoughts, read this book. It pretty much captures the life of a teenager living with cancer. Their thoughts. Their feelings. The reasoning behind their actions.

This book also opened my eyes. Like alot. It's like my eyelids are taped to my forehead  my eyes are so open. I'm not going to give away the ending, but it's about a teenage girl in the last stages of cancer, so you do the math. I think I just had really romanticized ideas about  dying and this burst them wide open. I thought I would feel as cruddy as I do on a bad day now and just not wake up, but it doesn't really happen like that. The amount of independence I'll have will be minimal to none and that kind of makes me angry. I feel like I'm digressing. When I can finally become an adult, cancer is  just like nope, I'm going to make it to where you have to depend on people for the simplest things. Anyways, I'm not looking forward to that. At all. I guess I'm scared and angry about the day that finally comes, when I'm more dependent than independent and feel yucky more days than not.

But for now, it's been a good week. I feel so much better than I did  last week. I'm independent and feeling well now so I'm going to enjoy it while I can. And with that, I bid you adieu because I really do have to read for class.

Around Here Lately

So this past week I did not feel well. At all. Like all I wanted to do was lay in bed. I felt like curling up and dying. I think it's safe to say this past week was not pleasant. My symptoms are right back where they were when I was diagnosed, if not worse. Because of the fluid in my lungs, I cough whenever I really laugh or when I'm laying down. And not like a baby cough. It's like a whole body cough that leaves me whimpering at the end. I'm also out of breath and energy. I feel like a morbidly  obese woman walking around campus because it takes that much effort for me to just get around. And if I don't take nausea medicine in the morning I'll puke. I'd rather just sleep all day and have lost my will to do well in school. I'm kind of whatevs on life right now.

BUTTTT
I went to the doctor today and he prescribed some medicine that's supposed to help with my lung. It's supposed to get rid of the excess liquid, so I'm going to be peeing like a pregnant woman soon. Also, I'm going to start chemo again. This won't be like the last time though. It's not going to cure me, but it should help with my symptoms. I'll just go in two days a week and get it through my veins so I don't have to get a port put in. It shouldn't make my hair fall out and the side effects should be minimal compared to the last time. He also said I should talk to some team. I don't remember the name of it, but it's basically an end of life team. They're supposed to treat my symptoms and keep me out of the hospital.

I don't know if it's hit me yet that I'm dying or if it has and I just know where I'm going so I'm not really concerned.

Easter YEAH

So I didn't make it to church today. I'm starting a new tradition where I feel like death on Easter and just want to puke my guts out. If you remember from my post last year, this really isn't that new. But my church attendance is really not the point of this post...

I didn't grow up attending church and I'm actually very thankful for that. I don't think my faith would be the same if I had grown up in church. I did grow up in a christian home and I was taught the meaning of Christmas and Easter, but we only really went to church a couple of days a year. I was baptized in second grade, but I don't really think I understood the meaning of what it meant. I really liked the idea of Jesus, but I'm not sure I realized the depth of what that decision meant. It wasn't until sixth grade, when my parents got divorced and I moved back to Texas, that I really started attending church. At the time, that was really what I needed. I needed someone to cling to, someone to lead me through a confusing time in my life, and I am so glad that the someone I chose was Jesus. I remember sitting in my aunt's backyard thinking "Wow. God really does love me. His love is limitless and he treats me WAYYY better than I deserve." Not long after I rededicated my life to Jesus. And then two years ago yesterday, I was baptized again in the Gulf of Mexico. When I was lowered into the ocean, a huge wave crashed over me. I don't know if it was just the timing, but I like to think that was God covering me in his love and grace.

Today, two years later, I never would have thought that I needed God as much as I did this past year. And the need only grows every single day. Without Him, I would have nothing. I would be lost. I would be lonely. I would never feel like I was enough. But because Jesus died on the cross for me, I can have the relationship I have with God. Because Jesus died on the cross, I know I will never be alone. Because Jesus died on the cross, I can experience limitless love. Because Jesus died on the cross, I can be happy because I know where I'm going. So thank you, Jesus, for giving your life for me so that I can experience perfect love that will never leave me.

Guest Writer

Hey guys! This post is actually from a guest writer telling his story of how cancer affected his life. I just anted to write a short blurb before I shared the story saying that Cancer is not an individual disease. When someone is diagnosed with Cancer, their whole family has it. Although the disease is only attacking one body, the family is attacked in different ways. Families have to stress over financial issues, parents internalize driving spouses to drift apart,  siblings have no one to talk to about how they're feeling and may even feel left out or unloved because the parent's attention is on their sick child. Imagine having to watch a family member of your's fighting for their life, it's unhealthy. No one wants to go through that, but way too many people have to. So even though one member is physically sick, the whole family might as well be diagnosed. I'm serious, My Sister's Keeper captures this idea best. Anyways, this is a piece sent to me from the point of view of the caregiver. Enjoy!




Life's Lessons: What Cancer Taught Me as a Caregiver

It was a rough year in 2005, but it had some wonderful beginnings. My family went through an incredible high as my wife Heather and I welcomed our first baby. That was in August. Three months later, Heather was diagnosed with cancer. I learned some tough lessons that year and saw myself grow as a person, but the biggest achievement was learning to be a caregiver for my wife.

No one really tells you how to care for someone who’s sick with cancer. It's a process of learning what works. There are certain things that you have to do, but in those moments when she was overwhelmed by everything, I had to learn the way to help her best. I started learning how to be a caregiver the moment that we went to the doctor together to find out what was wrong. She had been sick for the past few months. Finally, the test results came back. She had malignant pleural mesothelioma. Some people feel numb when they're told that they have a deadly disease, but for my wife, I could feel nothing but overwhelming sadness. We had just built this beautiful life together, and now it was being threatened. We had to make some tough decisions that day to save Heather's life.

After that visit to the doctor, everything fell into an emotional havoc. There were days when I had so many things to do that I was too exhausted to even sleep, simply overcome by my thoughts. My wife was unable to work and we still needed to pay our bills, so in addition to caregiving duties, I also had to go to work as much as I possibly could and think about what I really wanted to be doing. I wanted to be there with my wife and baby. I kept picturing all of our possessions being sold off and losing the house if I didn't work as hard as I possibly could to pay for treatment. There were moments when I completely lost control and broke down in private, but I never let my wife or child know. I had to be the rock for them.

Luckily, we didn’t have to fight this battle alone. Our family, friends and even people we didn't know reached out to us. They offered everything that my family needed from a kind word to flowers to financial assistance to help with medical bills and treatment. Heather's parents were extremely pivotal in that regard. They not only provided a place for Heather to recover after surgery, but they also watched Lily for a time to alleviate some of the stress while we traveled. It was rough, but we made it work together. I will never be able to fully thank those who contributed to my family's happiness in such dark times.

Being a caregiver wasn't an easy road. I know that I made some mistakes along the way. Every day I went through a stream of emotions while still being the rock to my family. It was the toughest thing that I ever had to go through. However, I never really gave up hope that there would come a brighter day and that Heather would make it through this ordeal. Despite all of my fears, she was stronger than I ever could have imagined, and she made me stronger as a person as well.

Years went by, and things finally went back to normal. Heather had to go through surgery, chemotherapy and radiation to get here, but she's here. She fought mesothelioma and won. Even when they told her that she may have 15 months to live, she still managed to gain strength and keep fighting. I hope that I was part of the reason that she was able to do that. After seven years, she is cancer free and we have a happy, healthy family together. I'm so appreciative to all those who have helped us and continue to remind us that we are a strong family because of the challenges that we faced together.

Now, Heather and I hope that by sharing our story of success over this terrible cancer, we can help inspire hope in others who are currently battling disease of their own. Never give up hope, and never stop fighting for the ones you love.

Do Something

Look at me posting up a storm this month! 

So I listened to this Macklemore song called Otherside and it really has me thinking. I know it's about drugs, and has a really great lesson,  listen to it, it's beautiful, but the song has me thinking more about my life plans.
 At one point he says "I swore I was gonna be someone, and growing up everyone does." How true is that? Growing up I said I was going to travel the world, I was going to make a difference any way that I could. And then I got older and realized that life gets in the way and you can't always be what you imagined when you were a kid. Somehow I became totally content with the idea of being an accountant. I drifted so far from what I wanted to be because I was planning for the future. I liked the idea of security, and I still do. But now life isn't really letting me have that. I love having a plan and over the past year I have been struggling to make a new plan that suits the news I keep being told. But really that's impossible. Trying to make a plan only leaves me extremely stressed and in the middle of a self crisis trying to figure out where I'm going to go from here. I can't build a house if the sand beneath it keeps shifting. I keep trying to plan my life, saying I'll do this, this, then this, when in reality I can't. I don't know how I'm going to feel six months from now let alone tomorrow so there's no way I can plan the rest of my life.  Even after these last scans I keep trying to change my plans and things that I really want to do are being pushed aside. So my point is, I swore I was going to do certain things when I grew up. Well here I am. I'm an adult and in the best health that I'll ever be. So why not do something now, while I still can? I am writing this and making it public to hold myself accountable. The things I want to do WILL happen. Life gets in the way and that's alright, but I'm honestly not going to have another opportunity to do these things and I can't let this opportunity go to waste in an effort to have a secure life. The fact is I'm never going to have a secure life.
So do something. And do it now.