Yes, I binge ate crackers in bed last night

Yes, my bed is all crumby now. No, I don't care.

Most of you don't know, but I got another blood clot in my other leg. It ran the length of my leg. I don't have it anymore, but things are just not working in my favor this summer. I also had a negative reaction to new medicine. I could barely open my eyes they were so light sensitive. I'm no longer on it, THANK GOD. I just hope things turn around soon.

Something New

More than a month ago I was in the hospital dying. My doctor had to pull my family aside and tell them I had began the process of dying and my best friend had to call all of my other friends to tell them that I was dying. We all knew it was coming, but not so suddenly. I had gone from walking a.round campus to lying on my death bed in a week. Anyways they brought me home on hospice and by the grace of God I actually got better. There was still a ton wrong with me, but I was improving day by day. For a while I was depressed though. I wished I had died. I was tired of depending on others for everything and being confined to my house all day every day. I kept telling my mom I wish I had died because I really wish I had. I wanted to be in heaven, not stuck in my bed and attached to a whole bunch of wires.
 I was sad. I was moody. I was angry.
But now things are different. I'm basically how I was before I went to the hospital but I still have to live a different life. Something I'm not used to. I have limits. I know them. I know when it's time for me to go home or take medicine.  My friends know this too and they look out for me. And sometimes that makes me angry and hard to deal with. For that I apologize. Then there are my other friends that treat me regularly, and I really love them because I feel normal, but these aren't always the best friends to hang around.
Anyways I have to live a new life. A life with extreme limits. A life that makes me angry a ton of the time. A life that keeps me tired ALL of the time. I'm only 19, I'm not ready to live like this. I don't want to live like this. I want to be normal. I want to go back to school in the fall. I want to go to parties and not leave early. I want to be able to just breathe.

 I want to be fixed. I ask myself daily if I'm ready to live this life. And the answer is always no.

HEY I'M BACK.

Sorry it's been a while, I hit a few speed bumps this past month that kept me down for a while. And by speed bumps I mean mountains. I've been highly medicated for the past month and can't tell you anything that's happened really for the past few weeks besides the fact that I'm apparently hilarious while on morphine. And apparently I got engaged to a pro soccer player? I honestly don't remember that happening though.
I literally just remembered that my birthday passed two days ago, I've been that out of it. I was really bad off for a bit, like my doctors were giving me weeks to live bad off, but I'm bouncing back. Obviously I don't have the strength I did before, but I'm doing so much better. I'm off basically all medicine and I'm not sick when I move. I'm just glad to be better.

Let's get personal

Today I moved most of my stuff out of my dorm. The place that I've called home for basically the past year. The place that my heart warms up when seeing is about to no longer be my home. My house in Lufkin is about to be my home forever (or however long my forever may be.) Because of this I am sad. I have been very sad lately just because of how things are going. I see myself losing my abilities do so simple things everyday. I can't leave my dorm for more than an hour or two without needing a four hour nap. I have to take higher dosage nausea pills now because my old ones don't work. If I'm eating, it's not because I'm hungry, it's because I know that I'll be sick until I put something in my stomach. I'm losing weight. I'm losing energy. I'm lost in general.
I have no motivation to do well on finals. I really see no point in studying. I'd rather just sleep. Or watch tv. I just want to lay in bed all day and take an abundance of showers because those make me feel better.  But soon I'll be out of college and truly be floating, and I wrestle with the idea daily.
I know God has a plan and I trust it, but there's still a part of me that's sad every time something doesn't work out. Africa is a no go and because of that my heart is broken. I cry basically every time I talk about it or think about it (so basically every day). It's seriously something that I've always wanted. More than kids. More than marriage. I wanted to visit Africa. I'm  positive that my heart is there and can't be fixed because a part of me will always want to be there.
Because I can't control most of the things that are happening to me, I've tried to do so in other ways. I broke up with my boyfriend a week (or two) ago. Sometimes I wonder if it was the right choice, but I think I function best alone in times like this. I'm cutting the metaphorical ties that weren't really keeping me from doing anything, but they're cut. Maybe I did it so I wouldn't feel as though I would have to worry as much or think of a whole bunch of people when making decisions, but either way it's already been done so does reason matter? I'm sure if I'm meant to have a significant other during these next few years, then something will happen, but as for now I really think I'm supposed to do this by myself.
So this is me. This is what lost looks like. Hopefully soon, I  know what floating feels like. Because I know that I'm not doing that now. There are still a few more things that I need to let go of before I can really float on and depend solely on God's plan. And I know that's going to be hard because I'm a planner and this not knowing what's going to happen next thing is kind of killing me. Instead of floating I feel like I'm walking into the ocean with my pockets full of every single thing that will keep me grounded, but I'm emptying my pockets one by one. Slowly but surely, these pockets will eventually be empty.

Sorry for the depressing blog post! I might take a step back from blogging until I can write some more uplifting things. I like feeling happy and I like writing happy things, but I just haven't been feeling it lately. And if this is how most people are going to remember me, then I don't want to be remembered like this.

Also, my birthday is coming up. I'll be nineteen on May 9 and I think it would be really cool if you could just leave me the title of a book you would want me to have and why. I'm dedicating my summer to reading and I would love hear what y'all love and why you think I would love it.

I CAN BREATHE AGAIN

Yesterday I had my procedure done to get the fluid out of my lung. Apparently most people are asleep for it and now I know why. IT HURT A TON. There may have been a few silent tears rolling down my face. They basically stick a tube through your ribs and then the fluid just drains out so you feel a lot of pressure. They were only able to get 600 cc of fluid out before they had to stop because I started having a lot of trouble breathing and felt pain in my chest so they had to give me oxygen and monitor my heart beat. They said I'm still really diminished on my right side as far as breathing goes though, so this might become a regular procedure. But at least I can breathe a lot bettter.

I wasn't able to keep down my dinner last night so the only thing I've had to eat in the past two days is a handful of crackers. I woke up this morning feeling kind of cruddy and got in the shower before class and almost got sick, so I knew that I was not going to be able to go  to any of my classes today. I was able to convince my professor to let me take his final at a different time so that's good. I haven't left my room all day and the only time I've left my bed is to get sick. I just hope I feel better soon.

BUT HEY, AT LEAST I CAN BREATHE BETTER.

True Facts About Cancer

1. CANCER PERKS ARE A REAL THING
2. You'll poop on yourself at least once (or twice) and be able to laugh about it forever
3. I'm beeping is a completely logical sentence
4. Not everyone will get your sense of humor and your jokes end up being like dead baby jokes    where no one finds them funny except you
5. You'll make a TON of temporary friendships because you only see these friends if you're getting chemo at the same time or they die
6. Relationships are hard. Even friendships. It's like this big elephant in the room that no one really wants to talk about. Or it's the opposite and that's all you talk about.
7. You will at one point be a hassle to nurses, but that's what they're paid for. One time when I was sleeping the needle that my chemo was being injected through got loose and stabbed me in the chest (like literally inside my chest because the needle was still in my port) but I refused to cooperate because I just wanted to sleep
8. Using the restroom is a huge issue and comes down to asking yourself if you really really have to go because if not, then it's not worth it. I can't tell you how frustrated I would get with the effort that it took to get to the restroom in my room just because of all the chemo I had to drag with me
9. You want hugs all the time while still wanting to be alone
10. You'll be asked a bazillion times if there's a possibility you could be pregnant
11. You'll also be asked a bazillion times if you smoke
12. You're going to lose some independence
13. Some of your favorite memories come out of this
14. Whenever your port is  deaccessed? you feel super free almost like you just got your license or just turned 18
15. Chemo sucks a ton, like a ton a ton. But if you're like me you really don't remember  how it felt or what happened during chemo weeks
16. It'll make you hate Houston (or whatever town your hospital is in)
17. Basically your whole family has cancer once you're diagnosed
18. Some days you feel like crying and that's ok
19. Some of your thoughts are really morbid
20. Emesis bags become your best friends. I'm pretty sure I collected those things like beanie babies
21. FREE TOOTHEPASTE AND TOOTHBRUSHES
22. Saline solution is your second best friend because mouth ulcers hurt alot
23. You have a favorite chemo food (mine are bean and cheese tacos) because they're easy on the stomach and don't hurt coming back up (nasty, I know, but this is my life)
24. Personally, I would rather die of pneumonia than take the huge horse pills that were prescribed. And you might revert to a five year old and hide from your mom when it's time to take those pills. But she'll eventually find you. SHE ALWAYS DOES.
25. Sunburns are ten times worse and 100 times easier to get when on chemo. And no amount of sunscreen can save you from the lectures from your doctors.

Shout out to my peeps

Let me tell you how proud I am of my friends. They're awesome. Really. Pure awesomeness.

This weekend I got pretty sick. I went to a Lumineers concert on Friday and basically puked the whole car ride there. I was unaware that I could puke that much on an empty stomach, it was a good forty minutes of nonstop sickness. But everyone else in the car was a champ. I don't think anyone was more disgusted than me.

Saturday I felt pretty good but I think I pushed myself too hard. We walked for hours and that was just too much for me. I laid in bed and started to feel really nauseous and considered (but decided against it) just falling asleep in the restroom so I wouldn't puke in my bed.   My short nap turned into the whole night and then the next day I felt like death. It was horrible. But once again my friends were champs.

Sunday I didn't want to move at all. My own movement made me motion sick. I just wanted to lay down forever and never eat again. I was up maybe four hours yesterday and they were definitely not consecutive. I was supposed to go see NEEDTOBREATHE, but I knew there was no way I was going to be able to handle it so I gave my ticket away. Just standing for five minutes took all my energy so I knew that a concert was not a good idea. My friends kept checking to make sure I was ok and I really had to convince some of them that I would be fine. It was like every five minutes I got a text that said if you need anything tell me because I can get it for you. It won't be a problem. I thought I would never be able to get them to leave me alone so I could sleep it off.

Today I felt alright but I ended up having to have an emergency doctor visit. It's just getting really hard for me to breathe which takes away all of my energy to do anything else. My friend, David, drove me to the hospital and sat with me for the whole three hours while my doctor and I talked about options. I had to get a chest scan and basically my whole right lung is filled with fluid (THANK GOD HE GAVE US TWO), so tomorrow I'm having a short procedure done to  drain all the excess liquid building up in my lung.

 But I love my friends. I really do. They're the best family I could ask for. I have no idea what I would do without them. I'm so thankful that I can rely on people to take care of me when I don't feel like taking care of myself.

Let's NOT read for class

So yesterday I picked up the book The Fault in Our Stars and basically devoured every page. I finished it earlier today and it was amazing. John Green was thinking of me when he wrote this book, not really, but the similarities between my life and the main character's life are astounding, besides the whole boy part. But if you honestly want to know what a teenager with cancer is thinking, read this book. I cannot say that enough. John Green is able to capture so many of my feelings and thoughts in this novel that it's crazy. Feelings that I would probably never share with anyone besides my sisters or mom, because let's face it, if you ask me how I'm doing, I'm going to lie to you. No one really wants to hear how crappy someone's life may be, and I honestly don't like telling people how cruddy I feel sometimes. So if you want to know my thoughts that I would never actually tell you, read this book. Even if you don't want to know my thoughts, read this book. It pretty much captures the life of a teenager living with cancer. Their thoughts. Their feelings. The reasoning behind their actions.

This book also opened my eyes. Like alot. It's like my eyelids are taped to my forehead  my eyes are so open. I'm not going to give away the ending, but it's about a teenage girl in the last stages of cancer, so you do the math. I think I just had really romanticized ideas about  dying and this burst them wide open. I thought I would feel as cruddy as I do on a bad day now and just not wake up, but it doesn't really happen like that. The amount of independence I'll have will be minimal to none and that kind of makes me angry. I feel like I'm digressing. When I can finally become an adult, cancer is  just like nope, I'm going to make it to where you have to depend on people for the simplest things. Anyways, I'm not looking forward to that. At all. I guess I'm scared and angry about the day that finally comes, when I'm more dependent than independent and feel yucky more days than not.

But for now, it's been a good week. I feel so much better than I did  last week. I'm independent and feeling well now so I'm going to enjoy it while I can. And with that, I bid you adieu because I really do have to read for class.

Around Here Lately

So this past week I did not feel well. At all. Like all I wanted to do was lay in bed. I felt like curling up and dying. I think it's safe to say this past week was not pleasant. My symptoms are right back where they were when I was diagnosed, if not worse. Because of the fluid in my lungs, I cough whenever I really laugh or when I'm laying down. And not like a baby cough. It's like a whole body cough that leaves me whimpering at the end. I'm also out of breath and energy. I feel like a morbidly  obese woman walking around campus because it takes that much effort for me to just get around. And if I don't take nausea medicine in the morning I'll puke. I'd rather just sleep all day and have lost my will to do well in school. I'm kind of whatevs on life right now.

BUTTTT
I went to the doctor today and he prescribed some medicine that's supposed to help with my lung. It's supposed to get rid of the excess liquid, so I'm going to be peeing like a pregnant woman soon. Also, I'm going to start chemo again. This won't be like the last time though. It's not going to cure me, but it should help with my symptoms. I'll just go in two days a week and get it through my veins so I don't have to get a port put in. It shouldn't make my hair fall out and the side effects should be minimal compared to the last time. He also said I should talk to some team. I don't remember the name of it, but it's basically an end of life team. They're supposed to treat my symptoms and keep me out of the hospital.

I don't know if it's hit me yet that I'm dying or if it has and I just know where I'm going so I'm not really concerned.

Easter YEAH

So I didn't make it to church today. I'm starting a new tradition where I feel like death on Easter and just want to puke my guts out. If you remember from my post last year, this really isn't that new. But my church attendance is really not the point of this post...

I didn't grow up attending church and I'm actually very thankful for that. I don't think my faith would be the same if I had grown up in church. I did grow up in a christian home and I was taught the meaning of Christmas and Easter, but we only really went to church a couple of days a year. I was baptized in second grade, but I don't really think I understood the meaning of what it meant. I really liked the idea of Jesus, but I'm not sure I realized the depth of what that decision meant. It wasn't until sixth grade, when my parents got divorced and I moved back to Texas, that I really started attending church. At the time, that was really what I needed. I needed someone to cling to, someone to lead me through a confusing time in my life, and I am so glad that the someone I chose was Jesus. I remember sitting in my aunt's backyard thinking "Wow. God really does love me. His love is limitless and he treats me WAYYY better than I deserve." Not long after I rededicated my life to Jesus. And then two years ago yesterday, I was baptized again in the Gulf of Mexico. When I was lowered into the ocean, a huge wave crashed over me. I don't know if it was just the timing, but I like to think that was God covering me in his love and grace.

Today, two years later, I never would have thought that I needed God as much as I did this past year. And the need only grows every single day. Without Him, I would have nothing. I would be lost. I would be lonely. I would never feel like I was enough. But because Jesus died on the cross for me, I can have the relationship I have with God. Because Jesus died on the cross, I know I will never be alone. Because Jesus died on the cross, I can experience limitless love. Because Jesus died on the cross, I can be happy because I know where I'm going. So thank you, Jesus, for giving your life for me so that I can experience perfect love that will never leave me.

Guest Writer

Hey guys! This post is actually from a guest writer telling his story of how cancer affected his life. I just anted to write a short blurb before I shared the story saying that Cancer is not an individual disease. When someone is diagnosed with Cancer, their whole family has it. Although the disease is only attacking one body, the family is attacked in different ways. Families have to stress over financial issues, parents internalize driving spouses to drift apart,  siblings have no one to talk to about how they're feeling and may even feel left out or unloved because the parent's attention is on their sick child. Imagine having to watch a family member of your's fighting for their life, it's unhealthy. No one wants to go through that, but way too many people have to. So even though one member is physically sick, the whole family might as well be diagnosed. I'm serious, My Sister's Keeper captures this idea best. Anyways, this is a piece sent to me from the point of view of the caregiver. Enjoy!




Life's Lessons: What Cancer Taught Me as a Caregiver

It was a rough year in 2005, but it had some wonderful beginnings. My family went through an incredible high as my wife Heather and I welcomed our first baby. That was in August. Three months later, Heather was diagnosed with cancer. I learned some tough lessons that year and saw myself grow as a person, but the biggest achievement was learning to be a caregiver for my wife.

No one really tells you how to care for someone who’s sick with cancer. It's a process of learning what works. There are certain things that you have to do, but in those moments when she was overwhelmed by everything, I had to learn the way to help her best. I started learning how to be a caregiver the moment that we went to the doctor together to find out what was wrong. She had been sick for the past few months. Finally, the test results came back. She had malignant pleural mesothelioma. Some people feel numb when they're told that they have a deadly disease, but for my wife, I could feel nothing but overwhelming sadness. We had just built this beautiful life together, and now it was being threatened. We had to make some tough decisions that day to save Heather's life.

After that visit to the doctor, everything fell into an emotional havoc. There were days when I had so many things to do that I was too exhausted to even sleep, simply overcome by my thoughts. My wife was unable to work and we still needed to pay our bills, so in addition to caregiving duties, I also had to go to work as much as I possibly could and think about what I really wanted to be doing. I wanted to be there with my wife and baby. I kept picturing all of our possessions being sold off and losing the house if I didn't work as hard as I possibly could to pay for treatment. There were moments when I completely lost control and broke down in private, but I never let my wife or child know. I had to be the rock for them.

Luckily, we didn’t have to fight this battle alone. Our family, friends and even people we didn't know reached out to us. They offered everything that my family needed from a kind word to flowers to financial assistance to help with medical bills and treatment. Heather's parents were extremely pivotal in that regard. They not only provided a place for Heather to recover after surgery, but they also watched Lily for a time to alleviate some of the stress while we traveled. It was rough, but we made it work together. I will never be able to fully thank those who contributed to my family's happiness in such dark times.

Being a caregiver wasn't an easy road. I know that I made some mistakes along the way. Every day I went through a stream of emotions while still being the rock to my family. It was the toughest thing that I ever had to go through. However, I never really gave up hope that there would come a brighter day and that Heather would make it through this ordeal. Despite all of my fears, she was stronger than I ever could have imagined, and she made me stronger as a person as well.

Years went by, and things finally went back to normal. Heather had to go through surgery, chemotherapy and radiation to get here, but she's here. She fought mesothelioma and won. Even when they told her that she may have 15 months to live, she still managed to gain strength and keep fighting. I hope that I was part of the reason that she was able to do that. After seven years, she is cancer free and we have a happy, healthy family together. I'm so appreciative to all those who have helped us and continue to remind us that we are a strong family because of the challenges that we faced together.

Now, Heather and I hope that by sharing our story of success over this terrible cancer, we can help inspire hope in others who are currently battling disease of their own. Never give up hope, and never stop fighting for the ones you love.

Do Something

Look at me posting up a storm this month! 

So I listened to this Macklemore song called Otherside and it really has me thinking. I know it's about drugs, and has a really great lesson,  listen to it, it's beautiful, but the song has me thinking more about my life plans.
 At one point he says "I swore I was gonna be someone, and growing up everyone does." How true is that? Growing up I said I was going to travel the world, I was going to make a difference any way that I could. And then I got older and realized that life gets in the way and you can't always be what you imagined when you were a kid. Somehow I became totally content with the idea of being an accountant. I drifted so far from what I wanted to be because I was planning for the future. I liked the idea of security, and I still do. But now life isn't really letting me have that. I love having a plan and over the past year I have been struggling to make a new plan that suits the news I keep being told. But really that's impossible. Trying to make a plan only leaves me extremely stressed and in the middle of a self crisis trying to figure out where I'm going to go from here. I can't build a house if the sand beneath it keeps shifting. I keep trying to plan my life, saying I'll do this, this, then this, when in reality I can't. I don't know how I'm going to feel six months from now let alone tomorrow so there's no way I can plan the rest of my life.  Even after these last scans I keep trying to change my plans and things that I really want to do are being pushed aside. So my point is, I swore I was going to do certain things when I grew up. Well here I am. I'm an adult and in the best health that I'll ever be. So why not do something now, while I still can? I am writing this and making it public to hold myself accountable. The things I want to do WILL happen. Life gets in the way and that's alright, but I'm honestly not going to have another opportunity to do these things and I can't let this opportunity go to waste in an effort to have a secure life. The fact is I'm never going to have a secure life.
So do something. And do it now.

Scans- Round 3

So I had scans during spring break to see how my cancer is progressing. I didn't actually get to meet with my doctors until a few days after the scans so I started a bet with a few friends on how many new tumors I would have. My bet was 6, but I was wrong. At least it was better than my sister's bet of 14. Anyways, I have three new tumors, so I now owe my friend, Kyle, a piece of gum. That was the wager. My friends are cheap, right?
 Anywho, I have two new tumors in my chest. I don't want to get all technical and use medical terminology, mainly because I really don't know it, so their general location is around my trachea. Tumors produce liquid (eww, nasty), so now I have liquid building up in one of my lungs. That shouldn't do anything besides make me out of breath easily, which I'm kind of glad because I just thought I was really really out of shape. I also have a new tumor sitting on my liver. FUN STUFF.

This sounds really weird, but I need help naming these new little guys! I promised to name one Puff Daddy and I was thinking about naming another one The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, but I'm still kind of iffy on that name. The naming process is important and names can't be given all willy nilly, you can't just rename a child. Any suggestions on names?

Don't judge me. I'M KEEPING LIFE FUN AND WEIRD.

Brave the Shave

So I don't want my blog to become a huge fundraising website, but this cause probably means even more to me than the last one I told y'all about. It's called Brave the Shave and it's hosted by Saint Baldrick's. Brave the Shave is a fundraiser where people can donate money or even choose to shave their head, which is just as helpful as donating money (and maybe even a little more important, but I'm a little biased). Shaving your head for Saint Baldrick's acts as a walking advertisement for a great cause. Not much money at all (I believe less than a penny of every dollar raised) gets donated towards research goes towards pediatric cancer, so it's up to private organizations, such as this one, to raise money and do their own research so that children can have a chance at life. If you can't donate money, but want to help, sign up to have your head shaved!

I cannot tell you how important that is to someone with cancer. The only people that volunteered to shave their head for me when I was going through chemo were my mom and sister and I cannot tell you how alone that made me feel. Even though I had tons of people rooting me on and wearing t-shirts with my name on it, I didn't have one person that looked like me and only two who were truly willing to stand with me when I had to shave my head. It really really does mean the world to someone dealing with cancer to have people willing to shave their head for you so you don't feel like a freak by being the ONLY bald person in your life. And remember, hair does grow back!

So if you would like,  donate here and if you want to shave your head, talk to me about it! I would love to help you sign up if you're going to be in Austin that day, or even if you're not! You can still shave your head and tweet or facebook about it to raise awareness for Saint Baldrick's or pediatric cancer in general.

OR if you want to support my friend who is shaving her head you can click here! She's a really great person and needs all the help she can get to raise money. Plus, SHE'S ACTUALLY SHAVING HER HEAD FOR THE CAUSE. She's going all out and not many people do that so please please please help her out.  I can't upload her video, but here's a link to it!

P.S.- I'll be speaking at the event, so come and support if you can!

Why me?

I wonder like ALL THE TIME why God gives us the lives he gives us. I know the struggles that we all deal with are to teach us lessons and mark our friend's lives, but I always wonder why he gives that  individual person the struggles they deal with. I wonder if I'm spiritually strong enough to give people advice on things or teach them things. I'll be the first to admit that my bible does not get opened near enough and definitely don't pray enough. Am I really strong enough to live a life that is an example to others? Am I worthy enough to be an inspiration? So this question is not a woe is me, why was I given such a huge trial that is going to put me through so much pain and sickness "why me" question. This question is an ok, I would love to be an inspiration to others, but am I really the right person to do it question. This is a why am I so special "why me" question. Why did God choose me out of everyone that he possibly could, why did he pass over people that are WAY more equipped to set an example and choose me?

Then I remember that I'm not in this alone. God is not just using me by giving me this and then throwing me out to fend for myself, he is speaking through my words and actions. Even though it takes me way longer to get to a certain place than it would take someone else, He brought me here. He is always with me. Always. He is leading me to where I need to be and won't leave me alone no matter what. Even when I'm struggling with Him and just want to be left alone, I am still his. He loves me and won't forsake me.

"When you walk through the water, I will be with you. When you pass through the river, the waves will not overtake you. When you walk on the fire, the flames they will not touch you. You are mine."

I want to be the start of a ripple effect

I want to change the lives around me. I want to change the world. I want to leave a legacy.

If you know me, then you know I'm a planner. I like for things to be in order and know what I'm doing before I

Fearless

Sometimes the best nights are not the ones spent partying with friends, but the nights sharing your heart with them. Last night was one of those nights.
During our life talk I realized how much we focus on fear. Fear has to be the largest thing that keeps us from reaching our true potential. Our fear of the future keeps us from taking leaps that could be beneficial. Our fear of the future keeps us from enjoying the life we have right now. Our fear of the future keeps us from developing better relationships with the people around us.
Sometimes this fear can be good and keeps us from making bad decisions, but I

Smile.

Smile because
I love you
You have great dance moves
You have something to live for
The sun is going to come up tomorrow
Someone is ALWAYS happy to see you
Life is a good thing
Food will never betray you (unless you're allergic to it, in that case it definitely is plotting to kill you)
God loves you no matter what happens
You're outrageously attractive
You're smart
Someone somewhere wishes they could be like you
You're fun to be around
You make someone laugh
Your hair looks FANTASTIC (yes, that was directed at me. I'm having trouble adjusting to my 'fro)
You're positively brilliant
Your situation is not as bad as it could be
You have friends that love you
I like you just the way you are

TexasTHON

Standing for kids who can't stand for themselves.

As you all know, children with chronic or terminal diseases hold a special place in my heart. I'm part of an organization called S.M.I.L.E, Students Making Impacts through Love and Empathy. S.M.I.L.E does a TON of work with the Dell Children's Hospital here in Austin. One of their fundraisers is TexasTHON, where you raise money and stand for 12 hours for the kids that can't stand for themselves. Seeing as how I was one of those kids just this past year, I know just how much it sucks, and how expensive it is. I was lucky enough to live in a great town that donated a lot when I really needed it, but not everyone is as lucky as me. This fundraiser helps those families get the treatment they need, regardless of how much they can pay. I only need to raise $100 dollars to participate, and right now I have nada, zilch, zero. You don't have to donate much to help, and your donation goes to a TERRIFIC cause that drastically changes people's lives each year.

I know it's awkward to ask for money....but could you PLEASE donate?It's for the kids!

For more information about TexasTHON, check out the website here!

Sometimes you just need to spend a little quiet time with God and things get better. Not the cancer cured type of better (but hey, miracles can happen), but the feeling of understanding that you're never alone better. Thank you, God, for covering me with your grace and making me feel loved  when I need it the most, but deserve it the least.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you"
1 Peter 5:7

I just need to vent

Some days I'm like "Cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me" and other days I'm like "Cancer sucks". Today was one of those days. Cancer sucks a ton. It's crappy. It's not fun. It's a party pooper. I hate it. I was just thinking about the things that I really wanted to experience that I'm not going to now. Like marriage and babies. I get that you can't plan your life, I really do. God always has something different in mind, that is always better than what you have planned. BUT that doesn't always mean that you have to be happy about it. I'm fine with having cancer, but I just wish there was more time for me to do the things that I really really really wanted to do that are more long term than the things on my bucket list. Like marriage and babies and my own home and financing my own life. So from that view point, yes, cancer is the pooper of the party that is my life. I'm not angry with God at all, I'm just really sad that those things won't be a part of my life because five years just isn't enough time for all of that to happen.

Sorry about my vent session. Also, I'm now taking husband applications to speed the marriage process up.

January 12, 2013

I haven't been writing much lately so I figured I go deep and personal with this entry.

I met with my doctors this past week and talked about what's going to happen next. I'd started to experience some pain in my chest so they wanted me to come in to see what's up. The pain did disappear on it's own, so we're not really sure what it is. It could be my tumors or it could just be heartburn that may or may not be caused by the tumors or my poor diet (have I mentioned how much I love pizza and Whataburger? Not together though). Who knows! I guess we'll find out if it gets any worse. Anyways, the pain is not a problem for me. I know it's going to happen eventually and there's not much we can do about it. It's just a fact of life for me and I'm not afraid of it.  I'll face that problem when I come to it.
What I am afraid of are my relationships. It's one thing to be sick yourself, but it's another to watch a loved one be sick. I'm afraid that this will put a strain on the relationships I have with my friends and family. I'm afraid that I'll get super sick when my relationships are rocky and there's nothing I can do about it so things will end on a sour note. I'm afraid that some relationships will be started on false premises just because I'm sick. I'm also afraid that some won't ever start because they don't know how to act around me or that I'm too afraid to because I know just how sick I am.
I've already  drifted away from some of my friends because of this and it makes me so sad to look back and see that. But I've also grown closer to some of the best friends in my life because of this, so it's give and take. I just really hope that this doesn't hinder me from creating great relationships with new people.

Anyways, these are my fears.

Happy New Year!

I can honestly say 2012 has been the most defining year of my life. I have experienced so much this year. At times it's been scary, others it's been blissful. I wouldn't be lying if I said that this year has been my most memorable year to date. I also wouldn't be lying if I said this has been the best year of my life.

I have gone through so much this year that no 18 year old should have to, but it has made me so much stronger. My life has been like a roller coaster this year and I've absolutely loved it. Sure I've cried, but I've laughed even more. I needed this year to grow into the person I am today. This year has tested me on so many levels, but I have come out on the other side a stronger and better person.

Last year my New Year's Resolutions were to get fit and be more outdoorsy. I'm pretty sure I did the exact opposite of that. This was only a reminder that I can't plan my life. At the beginning of last year I had my whole life planned out and then everything changed. Even when I adjusted my plans to fit my circumstances, things still didn't work out like I thought. I am not disappointed though, I have learned to adjust and move on, because that's the only thing you can really do. You can't decide what happens to you, but you can decide how you deal with it.

"Things didn't turn out the way they were supposed to, but what can you do? You must take life the way it comes at you and make the best of it."
-Life of Pi